There is no mutual understanding with my mother. My mother doesn't understand me, we fight all the time. How to improve relationships? Is constructive dialogue possible?

02.05.2020

In my work as a family systems therapist, I regularly encounter the fact that grown children and parents want to have good relationships with each other. And very often this becomes impossible. Especially in the relationship between mother and daughter.

What is the reason that communication between mother and grown daughter does not work out as we would like?

The most common mistakes made by mothers

Perception of an adult daughter as a small child.

Very often, a mother continues to perceive her adult daughter as a little girl who does not understand anything and cannot cope with anything herself. Based on this perception, the mother builds communication with her daughter as with a little girl. At the same time, the mother does this so unconsciously, out of good intentions, that she sincerely does not understand why her daughter is dissatisfied.

Why does a mother continue to see her daughter as small?

There are several reasons. The main ones:

The mother's fear is that the daughter, having felt independence, will leave, and the mother will be left alone, without her. There will be a feeling of uselessness, abandonment, abandonment. It's very scary!

Therefore, the mother unconsciously begins to show her daughter that she is still small, cannot do something, does not know how to do something, but she, the mother, is well versed in this, knows better and knows how to do it. Thus forming in the daughter the feeling that " I can’t cope with anything on my own without my mom.”, which means you need to “hold on” to your mother. But my adult daughter already wants independence. And then she has an internal conflict and difficulties in communicating with her mother.

Fear of old age and death.

Very often in my practice I come across the fact that mothers have the feeling: the younger the children, the younger I am. As soon as the daughter grows up, the feeling of “I’m old” arises. And I really don’t want this. Therefore, the mother unconsciously begins to keep her daughter for herself in the form of a little girl. And then he feels young inside. At the same time, my daughter has already developed a fear of growing up. Therefore, she unconsciously begins to play along with her mother, remaining small. But the daughter’s internal need for independence and autonomy is not satisfied. And difficulties in communication are inevitable.

Lack of recognition of the daughter as a separate person.

Growing up, the daughter has already formed her own vision of life and the situation. You have your own experience, your own opinion, your own ideas, your own knowledge, your own desires. And they can be very different from the mother’s ideas.

For example, a daughter met a man whom she loves. Builds relationships with him the way they like. Feels happy. And the mother has her own ideas about what her daughter’s man should be like, how they should live so that her daughter is happy. And then the mother begins to interfere in her daughter’s life with her ideas. At the same time, she does this with the best intentions, not paying attention to the fact that her daughter is already happy. The daughter is torn between her own happiness and her mother’s ideas about happiness for her daughter. An unpleasant situation that leads to difficulties in communication between mother and daughter.

The main reasons that a mother does not recognize her daughter as a separate person:

Unfulfilled dreams of a mother.

Very often a mother wants to realize her dreams through her daughter. That is why, in childhood, the child is taken to clubs and sections that the parents like, and not where the child would like. For example, a mother took her daughter to learn to play the piano. Great instrument, great teachers. Only the daughter finds no pleasure in these activities, no matter how hard her mother tries to persuade her. The girl dreams of quickly completing her training on this instrument and abandoning it.

The same thing continues into adulthood. The mother is busy making her dreams come true through her daughter. And the daughter, out of love for her mother, tries to please her in this. But at some point it will become very difficult for the daughter and difficulties in communication are inevitable. Too many grievances and complaints will accumulate. This will interfere with communication.

"The truth is always the same."

The mother's internal distorted idea that there can only be one truth. And, if the daughter’s ideas differ from her ideas, then someone here is definitely wrong. And I don’t want to be wrong. Therefore, the mother begins to insist on her own, and the daughter tries to defend hers. And in this interaction there is a struggle for the right to exist. But there really is no winner or loser here. Both lost. I know a lot of examples of how a mother and daughter do not communicate for years, while both suffer. Distorted ideas that there is only one truth, and it is mine, do not allow these women to hear each other and see that everyone has their own truth, and if ideas differ, this does not mean that only one opinion has the right to exist.

Competitions with my daughter.

Very often in practice I see that a mother unknowingly gets involved in the competitive process with her daughter. For example, a daughter calls her mother and wants to get support from her on an issue that worries her. And the mother begins to talk about how difficult her life is. And against the backdrop of this story, of course, the daughter will still have a feeling of guilt for disturbing her mother, who has plenty of problems without her. Or another common example: a daughter talks about how she managed to prepare a delicious dish for dinner. And the mother, instead of just being happy for her daughter, says that she has known and prepared this dish for a long time, even improved the recipe, thanks to which it has become much tastier. And so every time. After some time, the daughter wants to contact her mother less and less, and communication becomes more and more formal.

The main reasons for this reaction in the mother:

The habit of comparing yourself with others.

This pattern of behavior on the part of the mother suggests that in childhood her parents compared her with other children. However, most often it is not in her favor. For example, “Yes, you got an A at school, but Mashenka brought two A’s home. Yes, you did your homework, but Irochka did her homework and managed to cook dinner.”

Now a woman has the opportunity to compensate for this. Therefore, the mother unconsciously begins to compare herself with her daughter, but already showing herself what a great mother she is.

The distorted idea that only one person can be good in a relationship.

Comparison with other people in childhood leads to the child developing the perception that only one person can be great. And, if someone else nearby is already good, then unconsciously the person begins to feel bad. Internally it is difficult to agree with this. Therefore, there is a reaction to show the other that he is not entirely great, and to regain this place, and with it the feeling of his goodness. In my practice, very often there are situations when mother and daughter unconsciously fight for this right to be good, as if there is only one place.

Lack of internal sense of self-worth and importance.

Very often in childhood, a child is taught that he is significant only when he was able to prove something to someone, when he was able to achieve something. For example, he won a competition, received a certificate, was the first to do something. And without this it is not significant and not interesting. Having received such a message from parents, the child learns to live in constant proof of his own worth and importance. To do this, he needs to constantly participate in competitions and prove his superiority. Over time, without this, a person cannot feel respect for himself. And then he is forced to organize secret competitions for himself, continuing to prove that he is interesting and significant. This is why many mothers unknowingly organize competitions with their own children, especially with girls. For example, a mother emphasizes to her daughter: “I told you that you shouldn’t have done that! I knew it wouldn’t end well! And you, as always, didn’t listen to me.”.

At this moment, the mother emphasizes her importance at the expense of her daughter. It’s an unpleasant form of communication; you’re unlikely to want to continue it.

Presentation of grievances and claims.

Very often, communication between mother and daughter comes down to clarifying relationships, presenting grievances and claims. And this type of communication suits no one. At the same time, mother and daughter do not learn to cope with this.

The main reasons for the formation of complaints in communication:

Mother's expectations.

At one time, her mother was a girl who endured a lot and forgave her mother, obeyed her in everything, giving up her desires. Now she has grown up and expects similar behavior from her daughter. But the daughter has the right to behave differently than her mother wants. And then the mother becomes offended. After all “I behaved differently towards my mother. And it was a manifestation of love for her. It means that my daughter does not love or respect me if she acts differently.” Such a chain leads to pain and resentment, giving rise to claims and accusations. And communication becomes impossible.

Mother's internal perception.

Because of her own internal ideas about herself as a person who is forced to endure everything, to give up her own in favor of someone else’s, because of internal feelings of uselessness and insignificance, the mother cannot feel appreciation, love and gratitude from her daughter. When her daughter was little, the mother sacrificed something important for herself for her daughter. The woman did this primarily because of her own internal idea that she bad mother, and the desire to prove the opposite. To do this, it is important to comply with generally accepted ideas that a good mother is one who has given up her life, does not take care of herself, but lives only for her child. For example, many women, while the child is small, stop doing things they love, don’t go where they would like, and stop taking care of themselves and looking after themselves. They make such a choice, shifting responsibility for it to the child. Although the child does not need this at all. And then they present claims to the adult daughter that, for example, she prefers to go on a date rather than sit next to her mother. At a time when her mother did so much for her.

Even if the daughter begins to sacrifice her life, the mother cannot feel her love and gratitude. What prevents this is resentment towards oneself for depriving oneself of the joy of life. After all, the child is not really a hindrance to the mother in her affairs. But the mother does not want to admit this and makes her daughter the cause of all her troubles. She tries to get even on her, demanding compensation for the sacrifices that she, the mother, made in the name of her daughter.

Lack of desire to learn to develop relationships.

Any relationship requires development. They will not develop on their own. It takes effort to make this happen. And I really don’t want to do this. It is much easier to always behave the same way than to learn to interact with your adult daughter in a new way. This leads to a lot of tension in relationships. After all, what was good for you when she was five years old is now outdated, like a dress that we grow out of or over the years it wears out and becomes uncomfortable.

And these are the main mistakes in interactions on the part of the mother.

What can an adult daughter do wrong on her part?

Maintaining mother's scripts.

Very early age the child may develop a need to be “good” for his parents. Growing up, unconsciously, internally this need may remain with the daughter. And then very often the daughter begins to either play along with her mother in what I described earlier, or enter into confrontation and fight with her for her rights. In any case, this may be an unconscious desire for the daughter to feel “good.” Moreover, both are continuations of familiar interaction scenarios.

The desire to change your mother.

Very often, adult daughters try to teach their mother, unconsciously demanding that she change. You can waste time trying to change your mother, but it does not benefit the relationship.

Mother's punishment.

Very often in my practice I come across the fact that adult daughters try to take out grievances and punish their mother, “restoring justice.” For example, they leave for other countries and cities, stop communicating with their mother, and when communicating, they remind her of biographical facts in every possible way, trying to unconsciously make the mother feel guilty.

What to do? How is it possible to improve the relationship between a mother and an adult daughter (and not only)?

Remember and regularly remind myself, while in direct communication, that my daughter has already grown up. She is an adult and can handle what is happening in her life. Learn to believe in your children and their abilities. Daughters should remember that she has already grown up, and this is a fact that does not need to be proven. Stop wasting your time on this.
Find a hobby where you will feel interest and joy in the creative process. Start communicating with people who are interesting to you on topics that are interesting to you.

For example, a circle of film lovers. And we watched an interesting film, and immediately discussed it with other people. Or cooking classes: we cooked something together and immediately discussed the result.

Remember that each of us can have our own opinion. And they can be different. Every opinion has the right to exist.
Stop wasting time challenging the opinions of others. Learn to be interested in what her opinion is related to? Why did she have this idea?
Start realizing your dreams. Moreover, my daughter is already an adult and she can move on to her own life. To do this, remember your dreams, write them down and see what from this list you can start realizing now?
Stop comparing yourself and your daughter. Daughters should stop comparing themselves to their mother. You are you, she is she. Learn to rejoice and worry about each other without comparing yourself to her.
Remind yourself that there is plenty of space. That there is no need to fight, each of you is good. Try to monitor and stop the process of competition, which may begin unconsciously.
Mothers learn to praise their daughter for her achievements, without naming your skills. Learn to sympathize with her in her experiences. And, if you really want to give her advice or express your opinion, ask her if she wants to hear it. Understanding and accepting that she may refuse you. And that's her right. Your right to ask her what she wants to hear from you now. What help does she need from you now?
Daughters should stop changing and punishing their mother. And it's very difficult. Attempts to independently understand this situation lead to even more disastrous consequences. If you notice something similar in your actions, from what I wrote about, it makes sense to contact a specialist for help.
Everyone should deal with issues of internal perception of themselves, working through their own fears, grievances, and claims. Learn to interact with each other in new ways. And to do this, seek help from a specialist.

Have an interesting and enjoyable conversation with each other!

They wrote to me on the forum, I replied:

Question M.

Hello, Irina Ivanovna. Forgive me in advance for writing so much, I just wanted to write everything in detail.
I am writing to you after another quarrel with my mother. I am 18, she is 60. I love her very much, she is the most precious thing I have. But we have no mutual understanding with her. Maybe due to this big difference aged. She works and is very tired, I understand that.

I'll tell you a little about my family. I also have an older brother, he is 30 years old. He already has his own family; he has been living separately for about 5 years.
The three of us used to live together, without dad. And there was never a reason why. Mom raised us herself and I thank her very much for that.
Previously, my mother and I had some kind of quarrels there, but I don’t really remember. It seems not so often and not so strong.

A Last year probably especially Lately, we constantly quarrel. We just get irritated and start both of them halfway.
I may be a complex person, especially since I have my own feelings in my soul, I’m constantly worried about something. But I always try to talk to her, sort her out and tell her what’s in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding, so she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry resentment within myself or behave in a withdrawn way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything out and convey it to her. She's the complete opposite. It’s not typical for her to come up after some quarrel and say, “Daughter, let’s go calmly and talk, I’m not satisfied with this and that, your certain attitude, you’re wrong here, for example, this is what we’ll do. And you tell me something I’ll tell you.” I'll listen."
It’s not even a matter of who comes first... the thing is that when I try to tell my mother that I lack her initiative, that my mother is an adult and cannot decide and try to put everything in its place, I tell her so openly that let her calmly tell me everything, when we have both cooled down, talk like adults and calm down in order to avoid quarrels in the future. After my words, she tells me that “I’m tired of your showdowns, look for a guy and sort things out with him, I’m tired, leave my room.”
I’m so offended, I leave every time with tears in my eyes. I’m just calmly trying to explain the situation, she doesn’t listen, interrupts me, screams, I start screaming (it’s bad, yes, but I can’t help it when they interrupt me)... in the end I Every time I promise myself to just forget about everything and live and be happy that we live. But not even a week passes before there is another quarrel and I, like a fool, in the hope that my same words will be heard for the hundredth time, say them again and again. and again mom screams, I scream. I can't do this anymore. It’s true. Every time I have a ache in my soul.
I also see my guilt in these screams, there is a degree of disrespect for my mother in these actions, but it’s all out of despair. Yes, my mother may not like that I scream, but I suggest she always talk in a calm tone, I want her to listen to me , and didn’t interrupt, this is important to me... and she tells me that I need a showdown. Out of despair, I just can’t speak, tears are welling up. The vicious circle doesn’t hear me. I’m trying to explain like a child.” No mom, it’s not a showdown, you don’t understand that way. It’s just important for me that you talk to me normally, because this abnormal relationship between mother and daughter"
and every time she has hundreds of excuses: “we’re outside, I’m tired, I’m watching a movie, don’t bother me, I have a headache,” that’s what I say, you never have time and there are always excuses. and she tells me “what should I talk to you about”

I really feel guilty that I may irritate her with this behavior. but it hurts me that they don’t hear me and don’t understand me. Maybe we're just different characters.
I’m sitting, worrying, 2 hours have passed since the quarrel... and my mother, as if nothing had happened, came up and asked me for some kind of remedy. I just quietly said, well, she understands that something is wrong. She cooled down and didn’t worry too much. She kissed me and told me not to turn into a hysteric... Well, how can that be? Can't hear again. He doesn’t understand that I’m so worried about our relationship. And again, as if nothing had happened.
and every time I have a bad feeling in my soul (maybe even my mother), but. then tomorrow I’ll forget too, I’ll have to. And then a few more quarrels and again an attempt to talk and tears. The circle is closed.

I try to come up to hug you, it’s rare, it’s true, it’s somehow not customary here... I come home from college tired, she’s from work (plus her age)... and outside the house I’m cheerful, I laugh, but at home it all drags on. It’s no longer before normal communication... and if there is communication, it immediately turns into a quarrel
when in quarrels I tell my mother that she won’t hug me or kiss me, that we each live in our own room like in a communal apartment.. after she cools down she will come up and hug.. but it feels like after my words and somehow feeling that everything After all, she’s a mother, and oh well, I’ll hug you for show. And that’s it...then again without any tenderness on her part, even though I try.

And she has a misunderstanding with my brother.

It even happens with us that I sit with my mother and explain to her this and that about Barat, that he will not change and is such a person, and so on and many other things, and she says yes, you’re right, you’re saying everything correctly, I didn’t even think about it.
Sometimes I feel like a mother.

Please help me with advice. Thank you in advance.

Hello m! I don’t know if you’ve thought about this, but many children, or rather, almost all children, have some kind of grievance against their parents... And it seems to everyone that others (friends, neighbors, colleagues...) were luckier with their parents... Why does this happen? The fact is that every child has in his own head some idealized idea of an ideal parent. And any child, even as an adult, certainly expects love from mom and dad, unconditional acceptance himself, as he is. At the same time, in life everything is much more complicated... And parents, once also were children who had their own relationships with their parents... And the fact is that if for some unfavorable reasons, mom, dad or both were physically absent or were are associated with something serious - illness, resentment towards the father of the children, depression, difficult relationships with their parents, difficult life circumstances, the need to earn money instead of communicating with children, something else, then all this leads to the fact that contact between the parent and the child is violated, instead of love and acceptance, negativity, irritation, and aggression arise. It seems the same is happening in your relationship with your mother. She raised you alone without a father... It was very difficult for her and she probably still had unconscious resentments against your father. And this, and perhaps difficulties in relations with her own parents and grandparents, prevented her from being in good contact with you. You write: “And for the last year, probably, especially lately, we have been constantly quarreling... I always try to talk to her, sort her out and tell her what is in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding so that she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry resentment within me or behave in a withdrawn way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything out and convey it to her.” This is where this thing happens that you would like to receive from your mother the “understanding” that you yourself imagine. But, you haven’t thought about whether she can do this - listen as you want and discuss. If her mom and dad didn't do it, she didn't get that experience. And he doesn’t know how to do it “as you would like.” And then the only way out is for you to accept her for who she is, change your attitude towards her reactions and style of communication with you... You write that sometimes you feel like her mother. It is impossible for a daughter to be her own mother's mother, and it can also introduce an element of irritation into the relationship. Read the chapter on resentment towards parents in D. Sokolov’s book on family plots. If you can’t figure it out on your own and accept the mother, this may be a deeper problem related to the history of the family and the intertwining of the family, then it’s worth working in person with a family psychologist. The Hellinger arrangement method is very suitable for working with parent-child relationships and family difficulties. If such a need arises, we can work on it. All the best!

« My mother doesn’t understand me... I can’t just come up, hug her and say that I love her... we’re like strangers... I don’t like the way she lives... she’s been suppressing me all my life... I always feel guilty before her“This is just a small part of the complaints that I heard in consultations from women, my clients.

Moreover, from a variety of women: working and housewives, married and unmarried, with different education and income levels, women from two-parent families and those whose mother divorced long ago. And these women, so different, all interesting in their own way, are in fact already adults, nevertheless, like little girls, they wanted mother’s love, affection and asked “ Why? Why doesn't my mother understand me?».

Having become interested in this topic, I noticed that women who have difficult relationships with their mothers have something in common. Remembering their childhood, talking about it, they, one way or another, convey some of the tension in the family atmosphere in which they grew up.

Tension either arose during scandals, or took a hidden form, when the little girl could not understand where it came from or what the reason was, but she felt it well.

These women, whose relationships with their mothers were difficult, were also united by their inherent confusion in the face of the world of emotions. Where emotions appeared, confusion began: a lack of understanding of oneself or others, a desire to help to the detriment of oneself, or vice versa - a selfish search for extremely vivid sensations, constant doubts, contradictions - there are many options, but, ultimately, we can talk about a decrease emotional intelligence(the ability to understand and manage one’s own and others’ emotions).

For example, Olga (names have been changed hereinafter) had a strong emotional upsurge often followed by depressive states, and she had no idea about the reasons for what was happening.

Another client, Marina, often found herself in a situation where she spent a long time and patiently “giving all her best” for friends, helping them, and they simply used her, which led to grievances, disappointments and depression, while Marina did not understand how to get out of these situations and what was happening in general.

Another woman, Svetlana, in pursuit of strong emotions, found them in relationships with bright, unbalanced and narcissistic men, although she had long wanted a family and children, but did not understand how she could break away from attachment to such men, not inclined to start a family.

Article navigation “My mother doesn’t understand me, we fight all the time. How to improve relationships?

We constantly argue with our mother, what is the reason?

You will have to think and analyze. There is such a concept - “transferring a mother’s life script to her daughter.” Girls who grew up in families where they were lonely, rejected, or overburdened with disproportionate responsibilities developed an enormous need for instability. codependent relationships, the habit of controlling people and circumstances.

In addition, such women do not always understand themselves well, their emotions, sometimes they cannot find unity between reason and feelings, and sometimes they have no idea where to look for these feelings.

Perhaps you already have your own children. It is useful to ask yourself questions:

What is your parenting style?
Are you following your mother's path?

If all this is about you, then you can and should work with it. Including with a psychologist.

Is constructive dialogue possible?

After forgiving the grievances and undergoing separation from the mother, you can think about a constructive dialogue with her. Often women who want improve relationship with mom and change something, they ask questions:

“how to talk to her?”
“how to make her finally understand?”

Many say with pain that they have tried to speak more than once, but have encountered a wall of misunderstanding, alienation, or maternal anger.

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asks: Irina

Hello, I am 19 years old, I study at the institute. And I have problems with my mother in relationships. As a child, I was raised by my grandparents, my mother did not live with us and did not come very often, now I have been living with her for 3 years and she always says that I love my dad more (they are divorced) , and now I tried to answer her question why? this happened, and I said that it was because you weren’t close to me as a child. me, and dad was nearby. To which she replied that it was all for me and she was earning money, so she couldn’t be, and dad didn’t really provide. However, I clearly remember how on my birthday she did not stay the night with me, although I asked, but left and that I cried when she did not answer my calls, because she thought that something had happened, also when I lived with my grandmother, I have a very strict and angry grandfather, who often beat me and my grandmother too. The whole family says that I should be grateful to them for everything they do, but I don’t think that it’s all for my sake, I think that it was possible to take care of the child and earn money. Now everyone thinks that I am a bad person and that I don’t love my family, that I am rude and not grateful. Help me decide what to do in this situation, I am completely dependent on my mother.

Answers and advice from psychologists

Psychologist-consultant

Psychologist-consultant. Trainer. Wife. Love people. I work until I get the result. My profession is psychologist. From my personal example, I know what it means to see when something is going wrong, but not understand how to change it. I had to search a lot to find answers to my questions. I learned techniques and figured out how life's traps work. Because, at first, she herself thundered into them, and she had to look for a way out. As a result, I became a specialist who helps to get out of them. I know that this requires a lot of effort and time, and I understand how to achieve results as efficiently as possible.

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Irina, hello!

It seems to me that you are in a difficult situation - you are angry with your relatives, but at the same time you are forced to accept help from them. In any case, you have the right to any feelings. Unfortunately, at the moment they are preventing you from living comfortably. There are two options here - separate and try to live independent life. And then you will be able to freely demonstrate the feelings that you have. This option has a plus and a minus: you will be able to gain independence, freedom and the right to self-expression; this will not solve the problem of relationships with relatives. The second option is to find a specialist (psychologist) and work through the problem. This will help you, first of all, free yourself from the great tension that has now accumulated inside you, as well as build relationships with relatives that would be more resourceful for you.

In order to pay for the services of a specialist, there are also several ways: find a free specialist (they exist - they are beginners and they need to practice, ask for money from relatives, earn money yourself). The most ambiguous one is to ask relatives for money, because... It turns out that at first you will say unpleasant things about them for their money. But you also have the right to this.

Good luck to you and warmth to your family!

Psychologist-consultant; Clinical psychologist

psychologist-consultant, life coach, candidate of psychological sciences specialization: individual psychological counseling problem solving oriented; person-oriented integral psychotherapy (post-traumatic stress disorders, addictions, existential problems, neuroses and neurosis-like disorders, disorders and deviations in gender and age development); life coaching ( effective strategy life, self-development, career management)

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Hello Irina!

You are 19 years old, and you position yourself as a person who is completely dependent on your mother. This is a serious problem. At the age of 19, regardless of whether your current relationship with your mother, grandfather and mother is bad or good, and how satisfied you all are with the way events in your life and relationships with each other have developed, it is time for you to move on from the position an offended, eternally suffering child who has not received enough love and affection, who intends to devote his whole life to punishing his parents, demonstrating to them his helplessness and lack of independence, to the position of an adult woman who will have to build her own family in the coming years, build a professional career, and raise her children herself. . Endlessly nurture and cherish your grievances accumulated since childhood, and constantly sort through in your memory the sorted volumes of accusations - grandfather is bad, grandmother is bad, mother is bad; constantly indulging in self-pity is not the path to creating a harmonious family in which you, your husband and your children will feel good, but an almost guaranteed choice of repeating your family scenario.... there is definitely a high probability that you will choose a husband, most likely tough , most likely from a problematic family, possibly prone to violence, with whom you will have problems financially and in relationships that will allow you to suffer, accumulate grievances towards him in much the same way as is happening now in relation to your mother and grandfather and grandmother.

Do you need this, to suffer yourself and blame your loved ones, your mother? Or do you want to live happy life, avoiding as much as possible the same mistakes that your loved ones made?

In order to increase the chances of creating your own happy and harmonious family, you need to thank your mother, grandfather and grandmother for everything that they were able to give you, accept that they gave you everything they could. If it seems to you that this was not enough, that they could have given more, then this is a problem that cannot be solved by insults and accusations, because in the past no one is able to change anything. And the only thing you can do is to add to each volume of accusations and grievances against your mother, grandfather and grandmother all the positive things that each of them did for you. And since you are not writing from a social shelter, not from places of detention... write that you live at home with your mother, who fully provides for you, giving you the opportunity to fully concentrate on your studies, and do not sink and become an alcoholic in bad company, without having your own corner, - it means that each of your loved ones has done and continues to do something good for you, providing you with good starting conditions for building your own life.

What to do in this situation?

1. let go of your grievances, accepting the past as it was, with all the pros and cons

2. accept that everyone, your loved ones did everything they could towards you, thank them for this and do not blame them for the fact that they could not give more than they gave, could not fully meet your expectations and hopes, because your expectations turned out to be higher than possibilities

3. let go of your doubts about yourself - you are not at all doomed to be a helpless, unloved, rejected woman, doomed to depend on loved ones all your life, and if you want, you can live an independent life and build your own happy family, if you set such a goal and direct all your efforts towards achieving it, subject to the obligatory condition of fulfilling paragraphs. 1&2.

4. as first important step To gain independence, you need to think about whether you can soon find a job without interrupting your studies that will allow you to earn money and at least partially feel financially independent from your loved ones... if you look around, you will probably see that most of your classmates has its own income, which provides greater freedom and independence... solve this problem - and you will receive not only greater independence, but also the respect of loved ones for the perfect adult act of a responsible person who deserves respect, not pity

5. as a second step - think about whether it’s time to find an area of interest for yourself, immersing yourself in which you can completely switch from memories of childhood and experiencing current problems in your relationship with your mother to something else that is interesting to you, where you will you be able to expand your social circle and build your own relationships? it could be something related to the choice of profession, interests and hobbies, but the main thing is where you could concentrate and live only your own, new and present. Agree that in the process of playing volleyball, dancing or rafting with new partners and friends, it will be easier for you to solve your problems of separation and growing up than in constant squabbles with your mother, grandparents.

Best regards, Evgeniy

Psychologist, medical psychologist, psychologist-sexologist

Psychologist, psychologist-sexologist. I work with requests such as: - low self-esteem, self-doubt, feelings of inferiority; - difficulties in communication, loneliness; - difficulties in parent-child relationships, in personal life; - searching for oneself, difficulties in self-determination (Who am I? What am I? What do I want?); - personal and age crises; - depression, depression; - apathy, fatigue, prolonged stress; - anxiety states, fears, phobias, panic attacks; - psychological support in various difficult life situations.

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Hello Irina.
Irina, it’s time for you to separate from your mother, to separate yourself emotionally.
Choose a specialist, and together with a psychologist you should work through the feelings you have towards your parents and other relatives. Otherwise, these unprocessed feelings may surface throughout your life and prevent you from building healthy relationships in your family when you begin to create one.
I will be glad to help you.
Best regards, Yulia.

They wrote to me on the forum, I replied:

Question M.

Hello, Irina Ivanovna. Forgive me in advance for writing so much, I just wanted to write everything in detail.
I am writing to you after another quarrel with my mother. I am 18, she is 60. I love her very much, she is the most precious thing I have. But we have no mutual understanding with her. Maybe due to such a big age difference. She works and is very tired, I understand that.

And for the last year, probably, especially lately, we have been constantly quarreling. We just get irritated and start both of them halfway.
I may be a complex person, especially since I have my own feelings in my soul, I’m constantly worried about something. But I always try to talk to her, sort her out and tell her what’s in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding, so she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry resentment within myself or behave in a withdrawn way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything out and convey it to her. She's the complete opposite. It’s not typical for her to come up after some quarrel and say, “Daughter, let’s go calmly and talk, I’m not satisfied with this and that, your certain attitude, you’re wrong here, for example, this is what we’ll do. And you tell me something I’ll tell you.” I'll listen."
It’s not even a matter of who comes first... the thing is that when I try to tell my mother that I lack her initiative, that my mother is an adult and cannot decide and try to put everything in its place, I tell her so openly that let her calmly tell me everything, when we have both cooled down, talk like adults and calm down in order to avoid quarrels in the future. After my words, she tells me that “I’m tired of your showdowns, look for a guy and sort things out with him, I’m tired, leave my room.”
I’m so offended, I leave every time with tears in my eyes. I’m just calmly trying to explain the situation, she doesn’t listen, interrupts me, screams, I start screaming (it’s bad, yes, but I can’t help it when they interrupt me)... in the end I Every time I promise myself to just forget about everything and live and be happy that we live. But not even a week passes before there is another quarrel and I, like a fool, in the hope that my same words will be heard for the hundredth time, say them again and again. and again mom screams, I scream. I can't do this anymore. It’s true. Every time I have a ache in my soul.
I also see my guilt in these screams, there is a degree of disrespect for my mother in these actions, but it’s all out of despair. Yes, my mother may not like that I scream, but I suggest she always talk in a calm tone, I want her to listen to me , and didn’t interrupt, this is important to me... and she tells me that I need a showdown. Out of despair, I just can’t speak, tears are welling up. The vicious circle doesn’t hear me. I’m trying to explain like a child.” No mom, it’s not a showdown, you don’t understand that way. It’s just important for me that you talk to me normally, because this abnormal relationship between mother and daughter"
and every time she has hundreds of excuses: “we’re outside, I’m tired, I’m watching a movie, don’t bother me, I have a headache,” that’s what I say, you never have time and there are always excuses. and she tells me “what should I talk to you about”

And she has a misunderstanding with my brother.

Please help me with advice. Thank you in advance.

Hello m! I don’t know if you’ve thought about this, but many children, or rather, almost all children, have some kind of grievance against their parents... And it seems to everyone that others (friends, neighbors, colleagues...) were luckier with their parents... Why does this happen? The fact is that every child has in his own head some idealized idea of an ideal parent. And any child, even as an adult, certainly expects love from mom and dad, unconditional acceptance of himself as he is. At the same time, in life everything is much more complicated... And parents, once also were children who had their own relationships with their parents... And the fact is that if for some unfavorable reasons, mom, dad or both were physically absent or were are associated with something serious - illness, resentment towards the father of the children, depression, difficult relationships with their parents, difficult life circumstances, the need to earn money instead of communicating with children, something else, then all this leads to the fact that contact between the parent and the child is violated, instead of love and acceptance, negativity, irritation, and aggression arise. It seems the same is happening in your relationship with your mother. She raised you alone without a father... It was very difficult for her and she probably still had unconscious resentments against your father. And this, and perhaps difficulties in relations with her own parents and grandparents, prevented her from being in good contact with you. You write: “And for the last year, probably, especially lately, we have been constantly quarreling... I always try to talk to her, sort her out and tell her what is in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding so that she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry resentment within me or behave in a withdrawn way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything out and convey it to her.” This is where this thing happens that you would like to receive from your mother the “understanding” that you yourself imagine. But, you haven’t thought about whether she can do this - listen as you want and discuss. If her mom and dad didn't do it, she didn't get that experience. And he doesn’t know how to do it “as you would like.” And then the only way out is for you to accept her for who she is, change your attitude towards her reactions and style of communication with you... You write that sometimes you feel like her mother. It is impossible for a daughter to be her own mother's mother, and it can also introduce an element of irritation into the relationship. Read the chapter on resentment towards parents in D. Sokolov’s book on family plots. If you can’t figure it out on your own and accept the mother, this may be a deeper problem related to the history of the family and the intertwining of the family, then it’s worth working in person with a family psychologist. The Hellinger arrangement method is very suitable for working with parent-child relationships and family difficulties. If such a need arises, we can work on it. All the best!

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