Modern parents are working harder than ever to raise their children as best they can! They attend courses, seminars, read so many books that sometimes they could write at least thesis in pedagogy and psychology of childhood. However, for some reason there are no fewer problems in the relationship between children and parents! And the child’s development ultimately raises more questions than it answers - he is precocious, but at 6 years old he still goes to the toilet with his mother; reads English, but does not know how to play with peers; solves complex mathematical problems, but is unbearable and emotionally unstable in any communication.

Why is this happening? Their bodies grow physically, they gain more years, their intellect develops, but in their character traits modern children the psycho-emotional stuck somewhere between 1.5-2 years is clearly visible! Any unevenness in development causes a lot of problems! And if there are disturbances at the physical level, we can easily see and understand what a huge imbalance they bring into a child’s life (say, if one of the child’s legs grows in accordance with the general proportion of the body, and the second, for some reason, stops growing). It can be more difficult to notice an internal imbalance, especially when more and more children have the same problems, then the mother thinks that since many have this, then everything is fine? But the relationship with the child is becoming more and more complex and conflict-ridden, but for some reason the warmth and closeness is lost in them, the joy leaves motherhood, the motivation and childish curiosity disappears from the child himself.

According to my many years of observations and practice of working with families of children, of different ages, the problem lies in the fact that the child and mother cannot leave the natural, but for many delayed, phase of the symbiotic relationship, which is always difficult for both the child and the mother. Why has this problem now become so frequent, I would even say widespread?

Each case is certainly individual, even when there are several children in a family, each mother-child pair is unique and inimitable! However, today I would like to highlight 6 main reasons for this “stuck” in symbiosis:

1. The family, tribal and social way of life, which for thousands of years has been a guarantor and assistant to parents in guiding children through the main phases of development and personal formation, has changed greatly. In literally every traditional culture there were initiations that marked the child’s transition from stage to stage. And there was no longer any doubt, there was no way to hold back, wait, put it off. And the child did not even have the thought of rebelling against the natural course of events, of being offended by his mother - so the baby became a boy, the boy began to fulfill new responsibilities, received more rights, saw his place in the community, with its opportunities, responsibilities and age-appropriate restrictions.

2. Information overload, to which all children today find themselves exposed, being constantly in a saturated information environment, already in the first year or two of life receiving such a mass of information flow that is ever accelerating its pace, with which earlier child I haven’t encountered it in 5-7 years of my life. The stream falls on the immature nervous system of the modern child, often chaotically, accelerating intellectual development by stimulating the cognitive (understanding) sphere. But energy and experience for emotional and personal development are not enough. I'm not even talking about cases where parents actively use techniques from birth early development in any of their variants. So we get these “tadpoles” who don’t know how to regulate their emotions, who don’t understand themselves and others, who are constantly tense, tired, and ready to break into hysterics at the slightest trifle. And early intellectual development, ahead of mental development, creates in the child a lot of anxiety and fear of outside world, in compensation for this, he strives to hold on even more securely to the cozy symbiotic little world of “my mother and I.”

3. Many current mothers themselves have not had the experience of leaving a symbiotic relationship with their mother, they do not know how to help the child gain independence, they have not seen in their childhood how a mother can change the quality of interaction with the child, while maintaining deep contact with him , trust and understanding. Their own inner child, having never found an adult inner fulcrum, feels good only by plunging into the symbiotic space of “we”, for which the child seems to be an ideal partner, creating a sense of confidence, giving meaning to life, giving energy to live. And so “We” eat, “We” go to school, “We” graduate from university...

4. The role of the father is invaluable in the upbringing and development of the child’s personality and his transition from internal space symbiotic relationship with the mother to a more complex social structure of relationships - family! The father has traditionally been an assistant in breaking out of symbiosis and the one who introduced and adapted the growing child to increasing independence and activity in the outside world. However, historically it happened that for several generations fathers disappeared from the family - during the First World War, during the revolution, during the civil war, during the period of repression, during the Second World War... Women lost their husbands, children traditionally grew up with their mothers and grandmothers, and gradually this model began to be consolidated in the consciousness of the clan as effective for survival and raising offspring. And, often, the program that came to us from generational trauma is launched unconsciously, causing acute disagreements between spouses over raising a child. A woman feels in her husband the one from whom she begins to “save” the child, because dads always do everything wrong... They will never become a good mother! But the role of the father is different! And sometimes it’s not so easy to implement it! One of the dads is struggling, and tensions are rising in the family. Someone gives up, and the mother devotes herself entirely to the child, getting deeper and deeper into the protracted symbiosis. Some people simply leave, hoping to build another relationship.

5. Society constantly conveys to a woman the message that she is valuable only in the role of a mother. Realizing oneself as a woman and as a professional does not evoke such support. Some look with sympathy, some with condemnation, some with anticipation, saying that soon they will finally come to their senses! But many women finally feel accepted by relatives, friends, and society as a whole only when they are completely immersed in motherhood, becoming 100% mothers, leaving in the background all other roles that are no less important for the upbringing and healthy development of the baby! Somehow, imperceptibly but surely, the mother becomes an attachment to the child, her life has meaning and significance only in the context of her motherhood, which, of course, makes her firmly hold on to the symbiosis with the child!

6. Modern parents are very educated and seem to know everything about the child’s intellectual development. Moms in the clinic, in the sandbox, in in social networks They are constantly discussing who has already... learned to count, write, read, who hasn’t yet... and when it’s high time, otherwise... Quotes fly, they refer to sources, they shine with the methodology of developmental techniques! But it turns out that practically nothing is known about the phases of personality development, about the natural plan for the development of Man by Man! And where does such awareness come from, because for almost a century the individual was considered at first only as a unit of society, and in recent decades - as a unit of the consumer market!

If you want to fill this gap and learn more about the natural phases of a child’s personality development, about the tasks of mom and dad at each of these stages, about the mistakes and difficulties that we have to face along the way, as well as about the opportunities to still help our children to become independent, complete symbiosis and build a working, warm and healthy relationship with the child, I invite you to a free workshop on April 22 at 19:30 Moscow time.

“Symbiosis: mother + child or independence?”

Each of us wants to find “our soul mate,” a loved one who would always be there, support, and love. However, the desire for too close a connection in a relationship sometimes turns out to be destructive for them. And the name of this connection is “symbiosis”.

Symbiosis in science and life

Most people desire a close relationship with another person. We want to make the life of a loved one better, we are ready to come to his aid in difficult times, we support and approve of what he does. This merging fulfills our basic need for acceptance and love. In partnerships, people always give up part of their individuality in order to create a common reality of interests and emotional space for the couple. This is a natural and beneficial process. And it remains so until one or both partners lose their individuality almost completely (voluntarily or through the actions of a loved one). And then the need for merger begins to be defined by the word “too much”: we demand too much support and approval and expect it in relation to ourselves; We make excessive demands on our partner’s time; We demand too much that relationships come first for him. In other words, we try to establish symbiosis in relationships.

What does symbiosis look like in a relationship between a man and a woman? Symbiosis is the desire of one or, more rarely, both partners to establish a single emotional and semantic space in the relationship. In other words, this is the desire to constantly be with a partner, to “merge” with him physically and spiritually, to think and feel the same way. The problem is that when striving for symbiosis, the individuality and originality of the individual are lost.

Imagine that a man and a woman are walking together, but their legs, which are next to each other, are tied with a rope. Yes, they are together and their connection is very close. But is it convenient for each of them to go? And are they comfortable together? Let us remember that the rope did not appear on its own, one of them tied it. Perhaps the second one will put up with this situation for some time, but then he is guaranteed to want to break out. The first one will prevent this. The rope will sooner or later break... along with the relationship.

This is symbiosis in action. At first it is “sweet ties” and the desire for “high” relationships, and then disappointment. And it is very important to understand that the desire for a certain ideal, when partners “cannot live a day without each other,” always together, always holding hands, like Siamese twins, is good only during the period of courtship and in the first months of marriage. Then everyone should develop their own zone of independence and development, their own hobbies, personal views, which do not have to coincide with the opinion of their partner.

Among those who would like a symbiotic relationship, there are more often anxious and vulnerable individuals, even if these qualities are firmly hidden under many psychological “shells”. The subconscious or conscious fear of losing a significant connection leads to the fact that a person in one way or another tries to “tie” a partner and keep him. This situation invariably leads to increased tension in the relationship.

Symbiosis is when two different organisms can only exist together; it has nothing to do with true partnership.

“Romantic”: to be or to seem?

Men, not being influenced by sugary images, usually rebel against their partner’s desire to be in symbiosis. Therefore, they withdraw, become “cold” and often try to break out of the relationship with her. Symbiosis assumes that the partner strongly invades the man’s personal sphere and demands the same penetration from him. The man reacts negatively, not wanting to give up his independence. The situation when a woman “lives for a man” is often perceived not as a gift, but as a painful relationship. Sometimes a man subconsciously wants to break out of this situation into a new relationship, while experiencing a feeling of guilt. Symbiosis is a dependence, and it is painful for both.

To build a healthy relationship with a partner, you need to have an area of ​​your own independence, to feel your worth, regardless of whether you are together with a certain person or not. This refers to a true zone of independence, and not a position of “I will show her that I have other interests.” It is important that everything you do is done for yourself, and not to “show” someone.

“Militant”: you won’t be nice by force

When it comes to men, their desire for symbiosis is much more demanding and directive. They try to “remake” their partner to suit themselves, forcing her, for example, to leave her job, refuse to communicate with friends, devote minimal time to hobbies (especially if it requires being away from home), and convince her to change her clothing style. Often quite harsh methods are used for this: manipulation, economic and psychological pressure, appealing to a sense of duty and guilt. There is constant control: “where have you been?”, “with whom?”, “why took so long?”

A man tries to tie his partner, but not only to himself, but to the house. It is generally accepted that it is women who associate themselves with the home. In fact, men no less consider home an extension of themselves. And a woman at home is an ideal option for a man who strives for symbiosis. By limiting a woman’s contacts and freedom of activity, he consoles his own painful anxiety: “She’s at home, she’s with me, she’s not going anywhere from me.”

Perhaps, in the first stages of a relationship and marriage, this situation will even be pleasant for a woman. This is not a burden for her yet: love is hot. But each of us is created not only for a partner. A person must be fulfilled in several areas, such as professional activity, friendship, communication with family, and hobbies. Only then do we begin to feel like interesting, whole individuals. But if your partner demands: give up all this, just be with me? Sooner or later the woman will feel uncomfortable and try to escape.

Be your own person and let your partner do it!

Symbiosis is a constant chase, an attempt to grab a partner so as not to escape. But this has nothing to do with true spiritual intimacy, “merging of souls,” “eternal love,” although this is exactly what those who drag their partner into all this dream about.

Symbiosis can be described in three words: “Clinging, fusion, dependence.” This is a case where the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Symbiosis creeps up under the flags of mutual understanding, family values, true love, but results in a loss of individuality, and sometimes even the relationship itself. It is necessary to take into account that the “romantic” version of symbiosis, seemingly characteristic of women, can occur in men, and the “militant” version can be fully manifested in women.

Being in symbiosis, you live with the illusion that...

Your partner can guess your thoughts, and you can guess his;

You should spend all your free time only together;

Relationships come first, everything else comes second;

The partner belongs only to you.

These illusions manifest themselves both in the “romantic” version of symbiosis - in the form of dreams and unrealistic hopes, and in the “militant” version - in directive claims, demands and control. In any case, building relationships on illusions is a thankless task.

Of course, there are situations when both partners agree to a symbiotic relationship and voluntarily agree to it. But in this case, their union may not have children for a long time. If a child is born, he either may turn out to be “superfluous” or will be drawn into a three-way symbiotic relationship built on dependence and lack of independence. And these, you see, are not the best conditions for personal growth.

If you assume you want a symbiotic relationship...

Recognize their danger. Slowly but surely the desire for freedom will increase, and sooner or later your partner will want to break out of them. By trying to drag your partner into a situation of codependency, you are digging a hole in the relationship with your own hands.

Give your partner freedom. Remember that someone who is not being held has no need to break free. A relationship will be a partnership only when we maintain our individuality in it, and this earns respect from a loved one.

Work on yourself. Think about why the anxiety and fear of losing a relationship are so strong inside you?

Form your own boundaries and interests. The wider your interests go beyond the family, the better for you.

If you feel that your partner is trying to drag you into a symbiotic relationship...

Try to help your partner understand the dangers of this. Perhaps you can let me read it to a loved one this article.

Gently but firmly resist attempts at symbiosis. Remain calm and try to explain your position as non-aggressively as possible.

Maintain your own individuality. Anyone who sacrifices his individuality on the altar of a relationship (voluntarily or under duress) always remains a loser.

Help your partner express his individuality. Encourage his hobbies and communication with other people.

There is a wide range of examples of mutually beneficial symbiosis (mutualism) found in nature. From stomach and intestinal bacteria, without which digestion would be impossible, to plants (an example is orchids, whose pollen can only be spread by one specific type of insect). Such relationships are always successful when they increase the chances of survival for both partners. The actions carried out during symbiosis or the substances produced are essential and irreplaceable for the partners. In a generalized sense, such symbiosis is an intermediate link between interaction and fusion.

Various interspecific relationships arise between organisms in biocenoses. According to the classification of the famous Russian zoologist V.N. Beklemishev, there are four types of biotic relationships in communities.

• 1. Trophic connections - food connections in which one species feeds on another: either living individuals, or their dead remains, or waste products. Animals are divided into several according to the type of food they eat. environmental groups: predators, or zoophages (feed on animal food); saprophages (feed on decaying substances); necrophages (feed on animal corpses); coprophagous (feeds on excrement); phytophagous (feeds on plant foods). Among phytophages there are phyllophages (feed on leaves), carpophages (feed on fruits), xylophages (feed on wood), and rhizophages (feed on roots). According to the degree of selectivity of food objects, three groups of organisms are distinguished: 1) monophages - monophagous, 2) oligophages - limited-vorous, 3) polyphagous - polyphagous.
• 2. Topical connections - relationships associated with habitat. For example, competition for feeding, breeding, and nest-building sites.
• 3. Phoric connections - relationships associated with the participation of one species in the distribution of another (from the word phoresia - the transfer by one animal of another). For example, sticky fish attach themselves to sharks or turtles and use them as “transport.” Gamasid mites often use various insects in this way. The seeds of many plants are carried by various animals.
• 4. Factory connections - relationships in which one species uses other organisms or their remains for its structures. Birds use various plants, fluff, wool and other building materials of biological origin to build nests.

Symbiotic bond between mother and child

During pregnancy, a close multi-level connection is established between mother and fetus. From the moment of conception, the woman and the intrauterine fetus are in a state of symbiotic unity. They constantly interact with each other and have a huge influence on each other, which is primarily carried out through the placenta. One of the physiological functions of the placenta is to ensure metabolism and information between mother and fetus.

Biochemical connection. Throughout pregnancy, there is a constant exchange of various substances between mother and fetus. The fetus receives from the mother substances that provide its nutrition and respiration, and the products of its vital activity come to her. This exchange is not limited only to proteins, fats, carbohydrates, enzymes, carbon dioxide and breakdown products. It also involves biologically active substances such as hormones that regulate the development of the fetus and its psycho-emotional connection with the mother.

Hormonal and emotional connection. Changes that have taken place in nervous system mothers entail changes in her endocrine system, which regulates the reproductive functions of the body. During pregnancy, the endocrine glands, and especially those located directly in the brain, the pituitary gland and hypothalamus, work under enormous stress. Due to the work of the endocrine system, the fetus receives from the mother the entire set of necessary hormones: growth hormones, hormones that stimulate calcium metabolism and other metabolic processes, etc.

Throughout pregnancy, mother and fetus are a single hormonal system. In the first 10 weeks of pregnancy, there is an active biochemical exchange between them, in which the mother is the supplier of hormones for the development of the fetus. After 10 weeks, when the placenta begins to function as an organ of the endocrine system, the exchange of hormones begins to go in both directions. Then from month to month he becomes more and more active. The endocrine glands of the fetus gradually begin to function and, in turn, begin to supply hormones into the mother’s bloodstream. In addition to regulating the reproductive functions of the body, the endocrine system is closely related to mental processes. In endocrinology, there is a section called neuroendocrinology, which examines the relationship between various mental processes, emotional manifestations and certain hormones. The important role of peptide hormones and neurohormones - a connecting link between consciousness and body - has been revealed. Moreover, it turned out that peptides that are produced as a result of certain emotions and thoughts are reproduced and perceived not only by the brain, but also by other organs - the heart, liver, kidneys, etc. It is assumed that almost every emotion can have its own hormonal carrier. For example, when we experience a feeling of joy and happiness, our brain produces “happiness hormones” endorphins, and in cases where we are upset, the adrenal glands produce “stress hormones”. Since hormones easily penetrate through the placenta to the fetus, then, accordingly, all the emotional experiences of the mother reach the baby in a matter of minutes. Installed and captured in pictures amazing fact: the fetus smiles almost synchronously with the mother or makes a “grimace of grief”, repeating her facial expressions (and therefore her state!). In turn, the fetus also has the ability to send such chemical “messages” to the mother. Thus, between the mother and the intrauterine fetus there is an active two-way exchange of information at the hormonal and emotional level already from the 10th week of pregnancy.

Neuropsychic connection. The growing fertilized egg is an irritant to the nerve endings of the uterus. These impulses are transmitted to the woman’s central nervous system, mainly to the subcortical centers, where they are transformed, turning on and uniting many nerve centers. Thus, impulses coming from the fertilized egg direct the integral activity of the mother’s body towards the successful development of pregnancy. In this regard, the nature of the processes of inhibition and excitation in the cerebral cortex changes in a woman, changes are noted in the ratio of the influence of the cortex and subcortex: the activity of the subcortex is significantly increased, the activity of the cortex is decreased. This is expressed in the predominance of the sphere of the unconscious (subcortex) over the sphere of the conscious (cortex). In the nervous system of a pregnant woman, appropriate reactions arise that regulate changes in the activity of various organs and systems of the body. The developing fetus influences the mother in such a way that subconscious impulses, which prevail over conscious activity and cannot be controlled by it, become of great importance in her psyche.

There is the following pattern: everything that the mother goes through, the child also experiences. The mother is the child’s first universe, his “living raw material base” from both material and mental points of view. The mother is also an intermediary between the outside world and the child. Human, forming inside the uterus, does not perceive this world directly. However, it continuously captures the sensations, feelings and thoughts that it evokes in the mother. the world. This being registers the first information, capable of coloring the future personality in a certain way, in cell tissue, in organic memory and at the level of the nascent psyche.

This fact, recently rediscovered by science, is actually as old as time. The woman always intuitively sensed its importance. Fathers are beginning to understand this more and more. The child communicates with the mother, eating earthly food with her and exchanging emotions and mental images, which have a fantastic effect on the psyche of the fetus, shaping its character. The body of the unborn child is built from materials that are supplied to it from the mother’s body, therefore, her lifestyle, nutritional culture, absence or presence of bad habits lay the foundation for the health of the fetus. Pathogenic thinking and behavior of the mother, her excessive emotional reactions to stress factors that come from society and one’s own family, which cause huge number postpartum diseases such as neuroses, anxiety and phobias, numerous allergic diseases, mental retardation, dyslexia, autism, organic brain damage and many other pathological conditions.

Mother and child ideally are the unity of two consciousnesses, the unity of energy systems that is formed during pregnancy, and childbirth is the completion of the process of mutual development of mother and child. If these systems are formed incorrectly, then there will be no agreement and mutual understanding between mother and child after childbirth. A smart mother, having learned about the beginning of a happy pregnancy, must realize the very first principle of perinatal education: you bear the greatest responsibility for another creature in this world, for its future happiness and destiny. That's why all the troubles environment, society, professional activity must be broken against the shield of the mother's mental and physical protection. You need to realize one simple thing - you are not a future mother, you became a mother from the moment of conception. Your peace, your love, your care, your instant communication with your child forms your best friend in this life, the person closest to you.

A lot of things in life come from family. From it grows a sense of security, the ability to trust people, peace of mind in contact with them, and most importantly - without them. Today the problem of codependent, or, in other words, symbiotic relationships - main reason depression, difficulties in building relationships and even panic attacks.

Symbiosis in relationships is manifested in the fact that their participants do not feel like full-fledged individuals outside of relationships with each other, but they cannot feel comfort in relationships either, because they are more focused on “replenishing” their own personality than on each other. And both are not to blame for this, which means they cannot get out on their own. So the “swing” continues, with long heartfelt conversations, partings and coming together. What to do with this suitcase without a handle?

To understand whether there is a way out of codependent relationships, you need to understand how personalities prone to symbiosis are formed.

In a healthy family system present unconditional love to the child. It is strong and absolute, but does not provide for eternal control, fusion and anxiety. It implies, first of all, mood. Attitude is good contact with yourself in the process of contact with the child. An attuned parent carefully observes the child, responds to his reactions and gives the child the opportunity to learn. In the most common version, parents are so loaded with imperfect reality and problems that they make decisions based on their own anxieties and fears, books and advice from other people. As a result, in the process of upbringing there is little child left and a lot of parental anxiety. Children are prone to egocentrism (and this is the norm), therefore, regardless of whether you are worried about work or about the safety of your child, he will explain this to himself as his fault.

There are periods in the life of a child and mother when such a close connection is normal. For example, infancy. For a long time, mother and child were literally one. Which is due to the general hormonal background, sleep and wakefulness patterns, nutrition... The child was born - and this connection was broken.

This is the first separation - bodily. Separation occurs, but the mother still has a completely natural need to shelter the child from the whole world. Its main function is to give the child the opportunity to learn basic things: scream or cry when he is hungry or wants to feel the warmth of his mother’s skin, cope with natural needs and experience basic emotions from the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of his needs. In other words - to be, to exist. If the mother is led by anxiety and does not allow the child to complete the task of the first separation, the child cannot separate further and is forced to remain associated with maternal anxiety.

If the mother experiences this very first stage of separation, the child feels his body well and knows how to control it according to his age - he can give a signal that he needs something and survive the temporary absence of the parent nearby (important - temporary!). If the mother tries to predict the baby's needs and feeds him not when he is hungry, but when her anxiety that he is hungry becomes unbearable, he cannot recognize his needs and does not need to look for a way to satisfy them.

An important role in separation at this stage is played by the presence of an alternative attachment figure - a father or grandmother, for example. Then the child’s world is not limited to his mother, and he learns to give signals not only to his mother, but also to other people.

The second stage of separation is at three years. At this age, the child develops a feeling of omnipotence and begins to explore the world on his own. The main task of this stage is to learn to do a lot yourself. The parent's anxiety level increases - the child becomes mobile, and it is increasingly difficult to keep him in the safe zone. Mom and dad must cope with this anxiety and limit the child's cognitive interest to his safety. The task of this stage of separation is to develop a clearer sense of self, not only physical, but also emotional (mother’s emotions are not my emotions), as well as to form a basic sense of responsibility, which is only possible with independent activity.

At the age of three, the child learns basic independence, learns to contact reality and be aware of time, space and other people. If parents understand the importance of this stage, they cope with their anxiety and provide the baby with healthy independence (wash, eat, tie shoelaces) - the child can feel safe taking the first steps in new activities. In the future, this is an adult who can make decisions and be effective in the absence of another person. If parental anxiety prevails, then as an adult, such a person will be able to work and do something only in a relationship with another.

Actually, these two stages of separation form a tendency towards symbiosis. What do we get as a result? Inability to be without another person (failed first separation) or to do anything (second). And this is expressed by a number of signs: the presence of any type of addiction, the inability to distinguish between one’s own and other people’s feelings, a constant feeling of guilt, the need to make everyone happy and intolerance of other people’s dissatisfaction, difficulties with personal boundaries, the life of a “victim”, the inability to have trusting and close relationships, the inability to feel feeling comfortable outside of relationships, inability to make independent decisions, inability to take care of oneself, idealization and inevitable disappointment, low self-esteem, black and white thinking, justifying injustice against oneself.

Symbiotic relationships are based on feelings. The strongest of them is fear. Then - guilt. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. When I work with symbiosis in relationships, I start with them. Adult children talk about a constant feeling of guilt for not meeting parental expectations and the fear of losing them. And this is a really important feeling - it helps to cope with the fear of loneliness that lasts throughout your life. In the process of work, the client often comes to the conclusion that he is used to feeling not his own fear and anxiety, but his parents’, and therefore today he cannot distinguish between his own and other people’s feelings. He lives with a constant fantasy about the reasons for the lack of joy in other people and, like a child, explains this with his own mistakes. And he feels guilty. If you dig deeper, there may also be resentment for the inability to attempt to do something yourself, pain from an unsatisfied need (for example, hunger in infancy), or anger at not being allowed to finish the most important child’s work.

Looking through the eyes of an adult, you can say that this is nonsense or that the parents were busy. But believe me, if you could have said something at 5 months, when you were screaming from hunger and got water, you would have reasoned differently. Because when we have a need, this is the most important thing in life. And not being able to satisfy her is a disaster. A child of three to five years old can cope with this easier because he has words to describe his discomfort and ask questions. The baby only screams and cries. And he doesn't talk about understanding or guilt. He talks about pain or anger. And these are no less important feelings than guilt or shame. Working through these feelings allows you to free yourself from them and relieve tension in the so-called “places of separation” - the corners of the subconscious where the consequences of our past experiences lie. This is how you learn to separate your real feelings from those of others and separate fantasies about other people's needs from reality.

Further, so that the absence of old life strategies (the inability to please other people and the feeling of guilt for their lack of a smile) does not become a real torture, new strategies will have to be formed. What happens through awareness of your needs and analysis of ways to satisfy them. In this process, self-awareness “increases” physically and psychologically (separation tasks are completed).

Being in a codependent relationship is usually accompanied by a feeling of inadequacy outside of the relationship with another person. The other is needed as an addition, physically felt. In the process of increasing the amount of oneself in oneself, the other becomes a pleasant addition, but not a drug, not the air without which it is impossible. This is what a healthy relationship looks like - affection and value without dependence. And this is only possible when you are 100% yourself.