Hello, dear readers! All people have fear. We worry that any decision we make will have a negative impact on our future fate, and therefore we try to delay that moment that can turn our lives upside down.

Often, even basic solutions become an impossible task. The question of choosing what you will eat for dinner is sometimes perplexing. Let human life not depend on it, but in any case, every decision involves consequences. And you don’t always want to deal with them. It’s better to stand on the sidelines, pretending that you have nothing to do with it.

Today we will discuss how to learn to make decisions and stop doubting.

I know of a case where a person is so afraid to take responsibility that even before going to the store to prepare dinner for guests, he calls experienced housewives for advice.

Such people are less successful in work and personal life, and therefore the ability to overcome their fear is incredibly useful and important for a normal life.

Whose fault is this?

I am not inclined to look for the origins of any human problem in childhood, so this case is rather an exception to the rule.

What are we without parents? IN early age you don't take responsibility for your choices kindergarten, schools, and sometimes religions. They tell us what is useful, where it is better not to stand and impose their idea of ​​what. Saying goodbye to childhood can be very difficult for many people, but this is precisely the manifestation of growing up.

What are we really afraid of?

Once we helped prepare a family holiday on the occasion of the birth of a child for one of our relatives. A lot of people came, and therefore many men took upon themselves the responsibility of accommodating people from other cities, and the women began to prepare dinner.

The owner of the house himself simply threw up his hands and was in prostration, not understanding what to do. He went from one person to another asking how he could help him. When he was asked to go to the store, he was so lost that he began to write down which brand of products he should buy, at what specific price and which supermarket he needed to go to.

Then I thought that his wife most likely now plays the role of a caring mother. Probably, one cannot safely say that his life is bad, but there is no talk of any successful career there.

Each of us faces problems that need to be solved quickly. Little by little, a person’s character is formed from these little things. You can’t constantly look for someone who will give competent advice. Sooner or later it is simply necessary to start acting on your own, otherwise you will look at least stupid.

People find excuses with great pleasure: “I don’t understand this,” “I don’t have enough knowledge,” “Too much depends on the decision,” “This person knows better.” In fact, most of the time we look like that guy who was wondering about the price of polka dots. All this is just an attempt to shift responsibility to someone else.

The Secret of Decision Making

Some people have a much easier time making decisions than others, and this is a matter of experience. There is no need to be afraid that the choice will not be successful. Mistakes cannot be avoided. There will always be someone who can reproach you for something, but it is important to know that you made this decision yourself. You managed to cope with unpleasant sensations and overcome fear.

Little by little you will get used to it, and the number of attempts will only increase the percentage of correct decisions. You will become a little more confident in your thoughts and will not regret them so ardently, you will stop raising your hands to the sky: “I should have listened to so-and-so” or “Why didn’t I act differently.”

If you shift responsibility to other people or fate, then you are not in control of your own life. The result will never be satisfying. Unfortunately, there is no method by which you can theoretically or somehow step by step learn to make decisions, much less stop doubting them. It's all about practice and trying.

Every person has doubts. Doubt is the worm that gnaws at us, forcing us to ask again and again the question “What if...?”

It should be noted that doubts come in different forms. Here are two examples. First: “I doubt that we should develop business in foreign markets, since it will be difficult for us to wedge ourselves into this niche and push aside strong market participants.” Second: “I don’t think it would be a good idea to send a resume for this position - because it says that the candidate must have negotiation skills, but I don’t have this skill.”

In the first case, doubts can save you from senselessly wasting millions of dollars; in the second case, doubts deprive a person of the opportunity to earn more.

Thus, conditionally Doubts can be divided into two categories: positive and negative.

Everything is clear with positive doubts. They are always documented. To completely destroy them, there are not enough facts and statistical data, which, with the proper desire, can be easily obtained.

The reasons why people have negative doubts are usually the following:

Lack of self-confidence.

If a person is not confident in himself, then he constantly has problems taking the next step forward. A person, as a rule, does not associate himself with success, therefore he cannot destroy his own comfort zone in which he is currently located and get out of it.

Excessive craving for self-reflection.

This point follows from the previous one. To paraphrase, it turns out that people “play out” too much in their heads the various outcomes of the event that is about to happen. As a rule, all these thoughts end with the person doing nothing.

Satisfaction or “comfort zone”.

It occurs when you have satisfied the basic human needs from Maslow's pyramid (such as food, shelter, safety). You live no worse than others. When you have something to lose, this is a very good reason to have doubts.

Hope or its illusion.

If you hope for something, especially if your hopes are not supported by any objective reasons– you can become a victim of doubts. For example, you are looking for new job and received a call from company X - the company you have long dreamed of working for. At the end of the dialogue, the manager told you the standard phrase “We will call you back” and that was the end of your conversation. A couple of days later, company Y calls you and invites you for an interview, but you refuse. The reason is the hope that company X will call you and offer you a new position. Hope planted seeds of doubt in you, and they quickly sprouted.

Sensitivity to the opinions of others.

Our environment, whether we like it or not, influences our attitudes, thoughts and life principles. For psychological peace and moral satisfaction, it is necessary as soon as possible to become as immune as possible to manifestations of collective opinion and not to apply other people’s doubts to oneself.

Dealing with the causes of doubt is not difficult, but an integrated approach is required. The main recipe for negative doubts can be the following - start professing a materialistic approach. Be rational or even, if you want, mercantile. Weigh the pros and cons, be meticulous. Stop evaluating “before”, “after” and considering various options for the development of events, at this moment you become like a parachutist who thinks too much before taking the step that separates him from the endless blue outside the aircraft. Don't test empty hopes, assess the situation soberly and try to have several backup plans.

Stop doubting and start LIVING!

First described in 1985, this syndrome causes people to believe that their achievements are undeserved and worry that they will be exposed as frauds. The Impostor Phenomenon.. They think that any success in their life can be attributed to luck or the manipulation of other people's opinions.

This happens even to the most successful people. It’s hard to believe, because they have achieved a lot. But impostor syndrome is not based on the real state of affairs, but on a person’s distorted idea of ​​reality. Here are four techniques to help combat this mindset.

Report on your progress

Ask a friend or colleague to help you keep track of your goals and be honest about what is going well in your work and what could be improved or improved. This way you will know your strengths and weaknesses and feel more confident. You can agree to help each other.

For example, you both set goals for yourself in several areas of life. Now check your progress once a quarter to see if you're off track or need to speed up. And every few weeks, discuss what steps you have taken to achieve these goals.

Save compliments and gratitude

“I can get a hundred compliments, but if I hear one person say, ‘You don’t deserve it,’ that’s the one I’ll believe,” said Tobias van Schneider, former art director at Spotify.

If you are also used to brushing off compliments and praise, start retaining all the good things that others say about you. You can create a personal Trello board for this, write everything down in a regular document, or save screenshots with kind words in a separate folder.

This may seem like narcissism, but in fact it is a real reminder that you and your work are valued and respected, and that people are willing to turn to you for help.

Share your experience with others

• Look for community meetings that cover topics that are important to you.
• Look for organizations in your area of ​​interest that need volunteers.
• Organize a lunch table workshop in your office and share your knowledge.
• Contact the university where you studied and see if you can give a lecture on a particular topic.

When you see how your experience and knowledge really helps people, you will no longer always feel like you have nothing worthwhile to offer.

Understand that failure is inevitable on the path to success.

Fear of failure or feeling unworthy of success doesn't just get in your way in the present. They can also harm the future. We begin to create obstacles and difficulties ourselves, so that later we have something to explain our own.

If you are afraid of flying on an airplane, you will be advised to fly more often to get used to the process and perceive it as something ordinary. It's the same with the fear of failure. To get rid of it, you need to constantly force yourself to act and accept the fact that failure is a natural part of the path.

Then you will begin to see the positive side of failure - the opportunity to try something new, getting out of your comfort zone. And this will help you grow and develop.

“...his doubts did not cease at all, he already knew from his own experience that faith and doubt are inseparable, that they condition each other, like inhalation and exhalation...”
` Hermann Hesse - The Glass Bead Game

I very often receive questions from readers of this kind: “I want to start my own business / create my own blog / get rid of depression and panic attacks, but I’m scared and anxious, I doubt that I will succeed. How can I stop doubting so I can start taking action?”

The short answer to this question (very often) will be:

"NO WAY!"

Yes, you read that right! Doubts are very large quantities cases cannot be eliminated. Most likely, this is not the answer you wanted to hear.

What you most likely wanted was for me to look into the magic ball, see your future and dispel all your doubts, assuring you that all your wishes will 100% come true!

Yes, that's what you want.

But this is not what you need!

I don't give magic advice. Don't come to me for them. I'm not a fortune teller.

And in general, the desire to completely get rid of doubt, no matter how paradoxical it may sound, very often underlies the biggest failures in life.

Most people never achieve success in life for one simple reason:

You wait and wait for the doubts to pass, and still don’t decide on anything. Why? Because waiting for this to happen is the same as hoping that the tide will not be followed by a low tide or that the water will not turn into ice in the freezer.

Doubt is as much a part of human nature as change is state of aggregation Liquids, depending on temperature, are part of the surrounding nature.

So why shouldn't we strive to get rid of doubts?

It's okay to have doubts!

Show me a person who never doubts anything. To whom it seems that he clearly sees the future and knows in advance how his fate will turn out. For whom everything in life is finally defined and outlined. For whom the course of reality is completely predictable, devoid of unexpected turns.

"Unhappy! Or a psychopath!- you will say and you will be right.

Nobody can see the future!

We are human and are forced to live in a state of uncertainty and the unknown. And in this lies not only our suffering, but also our happiness! After all, life, with its inexorable unpredictability, brings down on us not only troubles, but also sudden joys.

Birth of a child. Sudden recovery from a long illness. New acquaintance. A chance but fateful meeting. Lucky win.

And who among you doesn’t like surprises? =)

And doubts are reflected in human consciousness objective properties of the surrounding world, that is, its uncertainty.

Of course, you can create a picture of a world in which everything is defined and known. A world in which you can be one hundred percent sure of everything. You can also populate this imaginary world with pink elephants and cotton candy hanging from tree branches. In summer. And in winter it is instead of snow.

Why not?

But in this case, you will need to prepare for the fact that this fake cozy little world will be shattered into smithereens by an unpredictable and changeable reality.

Instead of pink cotton candy you will find White snow. IN best case scenario. At worst - wet, sticky and dirty turd that lies in Moscow instead of snow.

But that’s exactly what snow is like in Moscow! Wet and dirty. Whether you like it or not.

And the world is just like that, changeable and uncertain. Whether you like it or not.

It turns out that doubting is not only normal, but also honest. I don't know how things will turn out in the future. And I am directly aware of this. I'm honest with myself - that's why I doubt it.

Yes, my expectations may not be met. Failure may await me, and perhaps complete failure.

But success can also await me. And happiness, and good health, and big money, and fame and everything that the human heart so desires!

And there is only one way to check how everything will turn out.

It's to stop being led by doubt and start fucking taking action! Continue to doubt and only act!

That's the trick. Thanks to which the most successful people that you know and have become so successful.

(In this article I will use the term “success”. By success I mean not only financial success (although that too), but also any realization of life goals: getting rid of an illness, finding close relationships, achieving enlightenment, and so on. Let's say Buddha and Mahatma Gandhi were successful, from this point of view)

Doubts do not interfere with action

I suggest you do my favorite thing right now mental exercise from acceptance and responsibility therapy, which very well illustrates the connection between thoughts and actions, or rather, the lack of such an obvious connection between the two, which is usually attributed to these things.

Read the instructions first, and then do it yourself.

Close your eyes.

And start thinking to yourself: “I can’t raise my hand! I can't raise my hand! I can't raise my hand"

Repeat this phrase in your mind for several seconds in a circle.

And now. Raise your hand! While continuing to think: “I can’t raise my hand!”

Amazing, isn't it?

After all, there was no difficulty in raising your limb to the sky or the ceiling =)

What can be concluded here?

And one that we attach to our thoughts very great importance. It seems to us that in order to do and implement something, our head must be filled with certain thoughts. And no others!

Otherwise nothing will work.

It's a bullshit!

A thought is just a piece of information that our mind generates. A set of words. A text flashing through your mind. Running line in my head.

The bus may say: “goes to Teatralnaya metro station”, and the bus itself goes straight to Bibirevo!

Also your mind may tell you: “You can't handle it! You're a loser! You won’t succeed!”

And you can, right along with this ticking line in your head, stubbornly move towards your Golden Eldorado.

Or to your Golden Bibirevo, which is also not bad, depending on what your goals are.

If I talk about myself, I constantly doubt myself and everything in general. It seems to me that only stubborn fanatics have no doubts.

When I started creating my website, I thought: “What if it doesn’t work out?”, “What if no one reads the site?”

When I monetized it, my mind told me: “What if it doesn’t work out? What if you won’t be able to provide for and feed your family while doing what you love?”

When I released my first “Don’t Panic” course, my mind threw up new food for doubt: “What if you can’t cope with such a task? What if no one is interested in the course?”

In the end, none of these doubts, fortunately, came true! I acted despite my doubts. I doubted it and did it anyway.

No, of course, I don’t mean that I always ignore these messages, sending them to the internal “spam” folder.

Sometimes I listen to doubts. If my mind tells me: “It’s better not to get into this taxi, the driver clearly smells of fumes, what if you get into an accident?”, I'd rather listen to him.
It all depends on the situation. Often doubts help me make the right decisions.

And in a situation where my mind tells me: “What if you don’t succeed?”, this becomes more of a signal for me to curb my arrogance, to treat the matter more carefully than to simply capitulate:

“We need to double check this, this and that before we continue!”

Sometimes I can engage in a dialogue with my mind, start asking it “Socratic questions”: “What evidence is there that I won’t succeed? Why did you even decide that?”

This also works sometimes. In some cases, doubts can really be resolved with such a dispassionate analysis. Direct a life-giving breath of common sense onto them, and they “fall off” like a dry leaf from a branch.

But, unfortunately, this does not always work. Why?

Because very often our so-called “common sense” is subordinated to momentary anxiety.

And attempts to convince yourself in these moments that “everything will work out” are very often doomed to failure!

American psychotherapist David Carbonell describes such a curious phenomenon characteristic of people with anxiety disorder and. But I believe that this can be applied, to one degree or another, to all people.

People with increased anxiety tend to exaggerate the danger:

“The plane I’m flying on is going to crash!”

“What if I get into an accident!”

“What if the roof gives way and falls on me?”

And now, imagine, you are torn apart by all these fears. You turn to your friends for support.

They say: "Do not worry everything will be fine!". Although it is known that “don’t worry” is the most meaningless advice in the world!

You think: “How do they know everything will be okay? I’ll go to a psychotherapist, he will definitely help me!”

And the psychotherapist says: “These are irrational attitudes. You exaggerate the danger and catastrophize. In reality, the chance of crashing on a plane is one in ten million!”

But you are not satisfied with this either. You want to have 100% confidence that nothing will happen to you! That your worries will definitely never come true.

And this is where the trap slams shut.

Because in theory, anything can happen! Your plane could theoretically crash. In this case, fall on the roof and be covered with its debris. And if the roof belonged to a large garage or car dealership, then you also have a car accident!

Anything is possible. The death of oneself, the death of relatives, terrible disease, disasters.

But the good news is that this probability is not that great (although the probability of dying within a hundred years tends to 100%). Just momentary anxiety elevates this probability to the level of almost one hundred percent catastrophe!

Of course, this does not mean that I live every day with a gloomy thought: “I could die at any second!”

(Although sometimes thoughts about death still stimulate me to waste less time on all sorts of nonsense, including meaningless worries about death: “Why waste this finite life on anxiety? We need to live!”)

On a simple everyday level, I, of course, believe that everything will be fine with me. As every person believes. I'm buying plane tickets to Moscow because I have an exam soon. I’m preparing hard for it, but I’m not thinking: “What if my plane doesn’t make it?”

But in moments of anxiety, our mind is not satisfied with this worldly faith. He wants a 100% theoretical probability of success:

“Nothing will happen to me. I will not die. Never ever. In life!"

And since there is a theoretical probability of anything...

And if our mind, during times of anxiety, always focuses on the negative side of life, on the catastrophe...

This means that attempts at such moments to convince yourself that “everything will be fine” often turn out to be untenable.

And, as I wrote, this can be attributed not only to anxiety disorder.

Many people never dare to start anything because of their doubts. They are ready to take action only when they have absolute confidence in success. And no doubt!

But no one and nothing can provide them with this confidence due to objective reasons.

That's why most people continue to work in jobs they don't like. Stick to a hopeless relationship (“What if the new ones don’t work?”), suffer from depression and anxiety ( “What if this doesn’t help me?”).

And not because they doubt!

But because their doubts are the final reality for them and a barrier that they cannot cross!

After all, successful people doubt too! They are not sorcerers, not soothsayers. They cannot know the future. But their difference from the majority is that they can embrace the unknown, give space inside for a feeling of uncertainty and at the same time act, take calculated risks.

This is not identical to dashing recklessness, stubborn, blind movement through the windfalls of life.

Yes, doubt can protect us from the dangers of impulsive decisions. But they can also provoke inertia and stop development if we obey them.

Very often the purpose of doubt is simply to free us from the need for any movement, so that we hang out in our comfort zone for as long as possible.

This, again, is natural. Man by nature is an inert and lazy creature who is afraid of change. Who is ready to put up with any discomfort, just not to venture into the unknown. The illusion of “stability” and “certainty” is much more important for him than many other things, even those associated with new opportunities and attractive prospects.

(I say illusion because, in fact, there is no certainty)

His dreams turn out to be unrealized, plans unfulfilled, desires buried.

The comfort zone eventually turns into a discomfort zone!

There is nothing wrong with the need to stay in the (dis)comfort zone. It's just a life choice for most people.

It’s just that this choice has both pros and cons. And everyone decides what is more important to him, what he is willing to sacrifice and for what.

In order to understand what is more important to you, ask yourself, what will happen if I follow these doubts, submit to them? What could my life become then?

“What will happen if I continue to work at this terrible job because I’m afraid to start something of my own?”

“What happens if I don’t start fighting depression because I doubt that anything can help me?”

“What will happen if I continue to cling to my old relationship?”

Undoubtedly, one can highlight the advantages of staying in the “comfort zone” and not leaving it.

The advantages include, for example, the illusion of certainty described above. Feeling of stability. It’s as if you’re not even risking anything (only your future happiness - what a trifle! This can always be neglected, right?). There will be no need to make difficult, responsible decisions, but simply continue to go with the flow.

Don't try to throw them away. Don't try to tear out a part of yourself.

And move forward TOGETHER with fear. ALONG with anxiety. TOGETHER with doubts!

They say that doubt is a sign of developed intelligence and rich imagination. We doubt the correctness of actions when we realize the multivariate development of events. What to do if doubts immobilize and become torment?

“To be or not to be - that is the question. Is it worthy to endure the shame of fate without complaint? Or is it necessary to resist? Rise up, arm yourself, win. Or perish, die, fall asleep? - such doubts tormented Hamlet, the hero of Shakespeare's tragedy. The pangs of doubt are familiar to everyone. And this, indeed, is the real torment that poisons our lives.

Doubting, we mentally play out different options for the development of events in one case or another, consult with friends and loved ones, spend an incredible amount of mental strength and energy, and in the end we feel devastation, which does not allow us to rejoice, even if the result meets our expectations. As the Italian writer Silvio Pellico wrote, “...whoever likes to delve into doubts deprives his soul of strength.”

A person who gives vent to doubts, as a result, generally loses the ability to make a decision, because it implies responsibility, which people who are always doubting try to avoid. They prefer not to express, refer to someone else’s information, or avoid answering.

But telling yourself not to doubt and follow the advice “if you’re wondering whether to do it or not, it’s better not to do it” is also not a solution. The English writer Gilbert K. Chesterton ironically noted that “only materialists and madmen have no doubts.” And the Austrian diplomat S.-J. De Ligne said about this: “There are two kinds of fools: some doubt nothing, others doubt everything.”

There is another point of view on doubt, according to which it is a great shortcoming, weakness and even sin. Doubts serve as a brake on a person’s path to development and perfection. They speak of the weakness of his mind, incapable of adequate analysis, decision-making and implementation. “A mind that doubts is barren and ineffective”, “A person who doubts can be called a loser”, “Doubts deprive one of strength and take away vital energy”, “He is eaten by the worm of doubt” - such harsh statements accompany people prone to long thoughts and hesitations when solving life problems.

Doubts are conventionally divided into positive and negative. The presence of positive ones is understandable and justified. For example, we have the opportunity to open a pharmacy in our area, but we doubt it because there are already plenty of them here. An incorrect decision will lead to losses instead of the expected profit.

It’s another matter if our doubts are caused by and. These are negative doubts, the result of which is the abandonment of plans, the opportunity to realize oneself, and perhaps even a better future. William Shakespeare called such doubts traitors because: “... they deprive us of the good that we might often acquire.”

What makes us doubt

1 . There is an opinion that doubt - a state of uncertainty when we hesitate to make a judgment, to make a final choice - inherent in a person initially and is closely related to the instinct of self-preservation.

After all, when making this or that decision, we take risks. Doubt tells us that something is going or could go wrong. Our mind is not able to comprehend all the factors that can change the course of events and influence the outcome of the case. Some new insignificant detail, sudden circumstances that cannot be foreseen, can interfere with our clearly planned actions and cause big problems. As the famous Agatha Christie said to everyone, “There are always doubts, in everything. Suddenly, some factor that cannot be taken into account may appear and upset the apple cart.”

2. Lack of necessary knowledge, ability to analyze, low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence also cause doubts. They are characteristic of people who consider themselves eternal losers and therefore set themselves up in advance for a negative result. They explain their doubts with standard phrases: “Not with my happiness...”, “I still won’t succeed,” “I’m unlucky.”

Their long thoughts and hesitations, because “they want it and it’s pricking them,” usually end in retreat without trying to test themselves. It is curious that people believe in a negative outcome of a case and negative statements much more willingly than in positive ones.

3. “What will people think? What if they don’t approve?”. A person cannot make a choice because he is torn by doubts: he wants what, in his opinion, colleagues, friends, parents will condemn.

Divorce your wife or husband? Life has become unbearable, there is darkness ahead without any hope of improving relations. Fit into the noose. But what about obligations and responsibility? No one will understand, everyone will turn away.

If you made a mistake in choosing your specialty, you want to change your job - are you a fool? Where else will they pay you that much? What will we live on? Doubts of this kind are so exhausting that a person prefers to leave everything as it is.

The motto of people who have the habit of chewing the same thoughts a hundred times should be the words: “If you are afraid, don’t do it; if you do it, don’t be afraid; if you do it, don’t be sorry.”

3. Morning is wiser than evening

“Go to bed and rest; The morning is wiser than the evening!"- we remember this phrase well from children's fairy tales. Its meaning is that you don’t need to look for a way out of a difficult situation overnight and decide important issues. Fatigue and nervous tension accumulated during the day will prevent you from adequately assessing the situation. Sometimes what we struggle with unsuccessfully in the evening is easily resolved in the morning, when our strength is restored.

4. Be positive

People who constantly doubt almost always regret the decision taken, whatever it may be, and mentally replay the same situation several times, engage in self-criticism, wasting their time, strength and vital energy. But there is an opinion that doubts haunt precisely those people who have too little such energy.

But we are not our own enemy, are we? Therefore, we live here and now, forget about our past and other people’s negative experiences and concentrate on the positive, seek and fill life with positive emotions that will cover up possible negativity.

5. Do nothing

If we cannot make a choice, we will try to forget about its necessity for a while. And one fine day the decision will come to us on its own - we suddenly clearly understand what we want.