In the life of every person, sooner or later, someone important, significant appears, to whom the soul and thoughts are drawn. Sometimes this closeness becomes friendship, sometimes it turns into something more. I really want to distinguish between these two statuses and learn to determine which is which. “Are there signs of love and what are they?” — people have been asking these questions for a long time. How not to get into trouble, not to miss the important things in your life and at the same time not to attach too much importance to the ordinary.
Is this the person I am destined to be with all my life and live it happily? Or wait for someone else who will be even better? When to stop and start appreciating? What is love and what is real love? This is an inner feeling that invariably gives us happiness. As the famous Russian psychologist of our time Mikhail Labkovsky said:
“A true feeling can only be happy, the rest will be anything but it. It could be neurosis, addiction, hysteria, anything.”
In passion, a person receives joy, not sadness, anxiety, jealousy or fear of losing an important person. What changes our world, what is so multifaceted and many-sided. However, it is possible to identify some common basic features characteristic of this great feeling.
Let's reveal 5 signs of beautiful interdependence among people.
- Man to man is space. Love is something mysterious, even mystical, which is not always understood. This unknown force of attraction that arises between two people, has the character of an eternal mystery. No matter what the chemists who supposedly solved its mystery claim, explaining everything in chemical formulas. But is it really that simple? Psychology finds new explanations, mechanisms and principles of this emotion from year to year, but has never fully revealed its secret. There is no logic or rational element in the attraction of one person in love to another. Without a doubt, this arises on the basis of archetypes and behavioral stereotypes formed in childhood, and helps to receive insufficiently received or transmitted parental love. Everyone looks for in the other what they themselves once did not receive, and sometimes attachment also arises from this. And you can never say with certainty that you understood another, but you can say that you accepted without even understanding.
- Fear of loss. Some people are afraid of losing that one or only one. Some people are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. When we need another so much that we become dependent on the person. At this moment, the fear of losing him as a part of himself appears unconditional. Sometimes an emotion is so absorbing that you even want to push it away, so that it won’t be so painful, scary, and so as not to fall completely under the power of another person, submitting completely. Sincere feelings completely subjugate us, and this is also scary and is compared to death, but if you trust this, then new levels of sensations and freedom will open up before a person.
- Lack of guarantees and insurance. No one will convince us that this is once and for all, that the new attraction will always be comfortable and cozy, that it will be eternal and happy. But we try, and the one who is honest with himself and his partner wins. Often we are dominated by the sad experience of previous relationships. Part of the soul is broken and awaits injections, so it is difficult to plunge headlong into a new, albeit promising, emotion and believe: passion, partner, future. But you'll never know until you try. It's better to regret what you've done than to mourn a missed chance.
- Wish without a doubt. Platonic passion is nothing more than a myth invented by a more or less insolvent person. Deep passion consumes a person at all levels of existence, including the gross physical. It is physical intimacy that is a vivid manifestation of feeling, and it is not necessary to experience it every moment. Different emotions have ups and downs. But physical desire always accompanies her.
- You become alive and significant. By getting into each other, we choose a person to play a major role in our lives. This makes the chosen one special not only in our eyes, but also in our own. By exchanging emotions, we give each other ourselves along with our inner world, thus doubling our worldview.
In addition to deeply internal symptoms, there are external signs of true love - in behavior and aspirations. Here are some signs of a lover:
- Thoughts about this person that sometimes become so intrusive that there is no room in the head for anything else. This is the most typical thing that happens at this time.
- The desire to spend all the time together. I want to tell as much as possible about myself and also fully know everything about the other person. I want to spend every minute together, even just being nearby.
- Being with someone important to you makes you feel comfortable and safe.
- Attitude to conflicts. For some, their own rightness is so significant that they cease to value and respect other people’s opinions and their own happiness. It is more important to resolve the conflict than to defend your point of view and principles.
- Exchange of deep emotions. At the same time, lovers do not feel afraid to open up and show themselves without protection and masks. What is very important here is the trust that they have in each other, which allows them to immerse themselves in the truth of the relationship;
- No interest in others. We are not talking about complete indifference to the rest of the world; there is simply no need to constantly search for another, to attract someone’s attention to oneself. The object of sympathy he has found is so deep and boundless that he does not want to waste his time on others.
- Plans for future life together. At first it was just good together, but I want to deepen this state and make it more stable. There is a desire to be together constantly, and this already leads to the creation of joint plans. You are ready to accept another into your life not temporarily, but permanently, and you are also ready to enter the life of your chosen one.
If these symptoms are about you, then the world will no longer be the same, and happiness is inevitable.
How to sense Her approach
The first signs of love are always the most exciting moment in its inception. Is it possible to identify the signs of approaching love? You can listen to yourself and notice the emergence of something new, catch in yourself the signs of a person in love: goosebumps in the presence of your chosen one or chosen one, languor in anticipation of the appearance, increased heartbeat only at the thought of the very object of desire.
Or look for sure signs in nature and surrounding events that She is already close. And then interpret dreams: a full moon, a bouquet of white flowers given by a stranger, a candle in the hands of another. Looking for someone's lost wedding invitation or wedding accessory on the street is a sure sign of a future connection. Or in the spring, perceive every breath of fresh wind as a chance for something bright and sincere to come into life, expecting it with all your soul and bringing it closer with your readiness.
Jealousy and Passion
What is the most obvious sign of true feeling?
There are people who believe that jealousy is a sign of love. Usually it is practically not inherent in people who are self-confident. In fact, if you allow another to choose, you give the right to a personal opinion, then there is no place left for jealousy. There is no jealousy while there is deep passion, and certainly not when it has already disappeared.
Is jealousy a manifestation of sincere affection or one’s own complex, going shoulder to shoulder with someone else’s complex? A destructive feeling that reduces one of the partners to a state of ownership, and the other, accordingly, to an owner. A healthy and self-confident person does not need to constantly monitor his companion, convince himself that there is no double bottom or threat to your relationship behind words, gestures and attention to other people.
True love is not about a racing heart or staring at you. It takes quite a long time for true love to arise.
Contrary to popular belief, it is not identical to true love.
This is nothing more than infatuation, a strong surge of romantic and sexual emotions that fill your mind.
When you first start dating someone or have feelings for someone at first sight, what you feel is not love, even if it seems like that rare feeling.
You are simply experiencing the first stage of love - falling in love.
The concept of true love, ironically, cannot be contained in one definition.
This is the kind of love that most of us strive for, but only a few actually find it or this emotion before it is too late.
So what is true love? This is a feeling, as a result of which a person behaves beyond the usual behavior of ordinary lovers.
When someone hurts you, you get angry with him. If someone is lucky: he earned money or got a better job, you envy him. When someone tries to humiliate you, you want revenge.
This is normal human behavior, and it seems to you that these qualities are deeply rooted within you, becoming part of your essence.
But when you feel true love for someone, your normal behavior towards that person changes.
Figuratively speaking, even having received a slap in the face from the object of your love, you may not want to turn the other cheek, but the thought of revenge for what you have done will not arise in your head.
When a person experiences true love
True love takes time to arise and manifest itself. What you experience in the first and even second year of a relationship is falling in love based on sexual attraction.
When outbursts of emotions begin to disappear after the first quarrels and misunderstandings that arise, your feelings will definitely be tested for strength. As a result, the idyll of many couples is destroyed due to incompatibility.
If you are in a relationship where you truly understand each other and feel genuine closeness and compatibility, and most importantly, love each other for a long time, chances are you are already experiencing true love.
Does true love exist
Does true love only happen once in a lifetime? Not really. You can experience it many times and with different people.
But true love can also fade over time.
For most of us, the first time we experience the purest form of true love.
We are not afraid to let that special person into our hearts, and we are not worried about the possibility of heartbreak. We are fearless in love, and we love sincerely and passionately.
But when the first relationship ends, the love we thought was real also gradually disappears, even if it takes years and several new relationships.
After people have experienced more than one relationship, many of them are divided into two groups: those who believe in true love, and those who are sure that true love does not exist.
Your experience of love can play a significant role in your understanding and expectations of true love.
And if you're wondering if true and romantic love are the same, they're not, even though we almost always associate true love with romantic love.
True love is unconditional love in its purest form, while romantic love is based on physical attraction.
True love can't be faked
True love is experienced sincerely and naturally. You can't fake it, no matter how hard you try.
If a couple cannot pass the compatibility test during the falling in love stage, it will be difficult for them to ever experience true love.
On the other hand, if both partners are able to understand each other, and they are sure that they are made for each other, over time they will begin to truly love and be able to become one.
As a result, such relationships will turn into pure and selfless love, which we call real.
Signs of love
1. Desire to give
The desire to invest in a partner and in a relationship is unconditional, not reinforced by the desire or expectation of getting something in return to confirm the validity of your actions.
2. Simple happiness
The moment you simply watch your other half smile, your heart overflows with happiness, even if today turned out to be very difficult.
3. Pain and anger
You feel pain when your loved one upsets you, but you are never annoyed by his actions.
You can't be angry with him for long, because quarrels cause you even more pain.
4. The ability to sacrifice
You are capable of sacrificing your happiness or well-being, even if your girlfriend (boyfriend) will never fully appreciate it.
5. Reasonable efforts
You go to great lengths and make efforts to improve relationships, and you also make a conscious effort to please your partner and make them feel loved and special.
6. You will never hurt them
When you are truly in love with someone, you cannot even think about hurting them, either emotionally or physically.
You to me, I to you is a strong human instinct, but true love makes you completely selfless.
7. Keep all promises
If you make a promise to your significant other, you make sure to keep your word, even if your loved one will never know that the promise was not kept.
When you experience true love, your moral side becomes very strong towards the object of your feelings.
8. We
In a relationship, it is important to have personal space so that the man and woman can develop as individuals.
But at the same time, if you truly love your partner, you will treat him as part of your life.
When you think about your future, you cannot imagine it without your loved one.
9. You share their burden.
And you do it, even if it is difficult for you. You can't see your other half suffering.
If she is dealing with a problem, you are always ready to offer a helping hand, even if you have your own difficulties and time constraints.
10. Pride and jealousy
You are filled with pride when your loved ones achieve something, even if you yourself could not achieve it.
You may be jealous of your life partners, but if we are talking about true love, there will be no place for jealousy in your relationship.
11. Suffering
You are willing to suffer just to see your loved ones happy.
12. Your actions are inseparable from their interests.
When you're busy doing something, your actions are carried out taking into account the interests of your girlfriend (boyfriend), whether it's planning a party or hanging out with friends after work.
You don't want to hurt your significant other, so you can always look at a situation from their point of view before making any decision if it might affect them.
How to keep love
Falling under the power of feelings is not so difficult, but in order to maintain the spark of love for a long time, you will need to work.
However, as long as working on your relationship feels less like work and more like play, you should be fine.
1. Try your best to love your partner unconditionally, even if you find it difficult to behave without being selfish.
2. Consider issues that arise from your loved one's perspective.
3. Learn as soon as possible, even if hugging your girlfriend (boyfriend) is the last thing on your mind right now.
4. Make love regularly, but never set aside time for it.Planning your intimate life can easily turn it into unbearable boredom.
5. Establish a dialogue with each other and develop your love together, never stopping sincere.
6. Learn to give each other personal space so that you can both grow as individuals. Even the closest relationships require a pinch of solitude to allow each other to take a breath from time to time.
7. N and never take each other for granted. This is the easiest way to become a victim of misunderstandings, quarrels and circumstances.
8. If absolutely necessary, use lies for good, unless, of course, this deception is insignificant and cannot affect your relationship, but can make your partner happy.
9. Never shy away from positive criticism. If you speak constructively, yours will help your girlfriend (boyfriend) become even better.
10. Be the shoulder you can rely on no matter what. Difficult times are testing times for your relationship. Stay close, and when the storm ends, love will shine even brighter.
11. Never argue in public, but show your affection publicly.
12. Don't let your sexual attraction for each other fade, which also includes keeping yourself in good physical shape and generally taking care of your appearance. Just because you've been in a relationship for a long time doesn't mean you can afford to look like a beggar under a store.
13. Do (to the guy) even if they did a completely ordinary job. Compliments are the best way to thank your loved one for the efforts they have made for you, no matter the scale of the service provided.
14. Celebrate important events. and anniversaries may be repeated many times in your life, but it is moments like these that create memories.
15. Never intentionally try to make your lover feel bad or look bad. Such actions can leave a deep scar that can damage the relationship.
16. Learn to forgive without offense. No matter how difficult it may be, forgiveness is one of the qualities of true love that is one of the most important in a relationship.
17. Respect your chosen ones with all your heart.
18. Trust your girlfriend (boyfriend) and your instincts, even if others say otherwise.
19. Never drip on each other’s brains, even when you are overcome by temptation, crumpled out of anger or disappointment.
20. Learn to spend quality time together. There is no better way to come to true love than through the process of effectively spending time, because in this case your relationship will develop rapidly.
21. Don’t make a serious face, as if a serious relationship is very difficult, responsible and stressful. Be playful like children. Evening pillow fights won't hurt either of you, but they can help you both enjoy your relationship.
22. Be spontaneous. Don't wait for special occasions or special occasions to express your love. Unexpected surprises always bring more positive emotions than planned events.
23. True love has no recipe, because every relationship has its own characteristics. Instead of relying solely on the experiences of others, remember to learn from your own successes and failures.
Conclusion
If you're in a relationship and don't experience signs of true love, don't worry. Perhaps your relationship has not reached a state of emotional maturity that transcends physical attraction or the stage of falling in love.
Don't rush and take unnecessary actions. You can't force yourself to fall in love with someone for real, instead try to understand each other better.
But if you don't do anything to ensure that happiness reigns in your love, perhaps it will be better for both of you to build relationships with other people.
At the same time, if you both are already happy in your relationship, don't try to change anything. More often than not, selfless and unconditional love takes time to materialize.
You can't push yourself to the next stage in love until you're both ready for it. But if you are happy and understand each other, you are already experiencing true love.
12.09.2013 Tatiana Kaushanskaya 75 comments
What is true love? - continuation of the theme of attachment.
Last time we discussed how to get rid of attachment to a person. But the topic of attachment does not end with the problem of attachment.
Until you find a natural way to get high in life, you will look for artificial ways to get high.
Love is a very complex concept. There is a lot of confusion when we try to understand the nature of love. The mystery of love only adds to this confusion.
One of my favorite writers, psychotherapist Scott Peck, in his book “The Road Less Traveled. The new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual development” gives the following definition of love.
Love is the Will to expand one’s own Self in order to nourish one’s own or someone else’s spiritual development.
The world is designed in such a way that we cannot love another person if we do not love ourselves. Just as we cannot teach our children self-discipline if we ourselves do not know how to discipline ourselves.
Peck believes that much suffering could be avoided by teaching people how to define love more accurately. This would greatly reduce a lot of common misconceptions.
Among all the misconceptions, the most common idea is that falling in love is one of the manifestations of love. This misconception exists because falling in love is subjectively experienced as vividly as love.
However, two problems immediately arise:
Firstly, falling in love is a sexually oriented erotic experience. We don't fall in love with our children, although we can love them very much. We only fall in love when it is sexually motivated. It doesn't matter whether it is realized or not.
Secondly, the experience of falling in love is always short-lived. Even if we continue to love a person, falling in love - an ecstatic, stormy feeling - always passes.
The essence of the phenomenon of falling in love is that for some time the boundaries of the Ego collapse, and we can “merge” with the personality of another person. The sudden liberation of oneself from oneself, the destruction of the boundaries of one's Ego, is a dramatic cessation of loneliness. All this is experienced by most people as ecstasy.
But this is a temporary condition. Sooner or later, under the pressure of daily problems, the personality asserts itself. He wants sex, she doesn't. She wants to go to the cinema, but he doesn’t like him. Each of them, deep down in their souls, begins to painfully realize that their beloved has his own personal desires, tastes, and habits.
The boundaries of the ego are gradually restored. And then either the destruction of all connecting threads begins, or the long labor of true Love begins.
And here it is important to note that the roots of true love are not in the state of falling in love.
How often does it happen that we fall in love with a person with whom we have little in common; or from whom there is no reciprocity or we do not have the best opinion of him? We can choose how to react to the state of falling in love, but we are not given the choice of this state itself.
Think about it. Why is this happening?
Real love is the experience of continuous self-expansion, or in other words, spiritual development.
Love- this is not an expansion of our borders and limits, it is only a partial and temporary destruction of them. Falling in love has little in common with conscious and purposeful spiritual development.
After the moment of falling in love passes and the boundaries of the personality are restored, it is then that the person begins to get rid of illusions.
And this is precisely why we are given the experience of falling in love.
As we get rid of illusions, we simultaneously begin to search for this state of ecstasy that we have experienced. We begin to wonder what happened to us?
I agree with Peck. In my opinion, true Love is closely related to spirituality. You can compare the stages of love of a low consciousness and the consciousness of a spiritually developed person.
Stages of “love” of low consciousness:
Falling in love, attraction, passion, jealousy, psychological dependence, suffering.
Stages of High Consciousness Love:
Falling in love, Love, caring for each other, mutual support and spiritual development.
Why do I always and everywhere talk about spiritual development? Because I found answers to all my questions in life precisely in spiritual development.
Real love- This is a special state of mind. It does not depend on anything or anyone in life. If a person is in a state of Love, he experiences a state of ecstasy every minute.
And then all questions disappear:
1. Will this feeling happen again?
Answer.
2. What will happen if I never experience this feeling again?
Answer. If you develop spiritually, you will live in this feeling.
3. Is there even a chance of finding a person for whom I will feel the same?
Answer. There is no point in looking for a person. We did not look for all the events of our lives. They happened to us themselves. How? I don't know. But somehow, exactly those events always come to us that we are waiting for, and most importantly, for which we are ready at this very moment in life.
4. What if I don’t feel exactly the same way about my partner?
Answer. You can develop love for your partner. Especially if you consider him a worthy person. Stop remembering your crush and start working on your relationship. Relationships do not develop on their own. It is only love that appears on its own, develops on its own and ultimately leaves a residue behind.
The main thing to remember here is that Love for your partner will begin to grow only when love for yourself grows stronger. When you don’t need to look for a thrill in life, when you find your thrill in life. And here we again come up against spiritual development.
We cannot love another person if we do not feel Love within ourselves. Without love within ourselves, we can only fall in love, and then suffer from dependence or possessions, as well as jealousy or reproach.
5. If the fact that I felt love for this person, then it turns out that what I feel for my partner is not love? Should you change your partner if it's not love?
Most people now misunderstand the meaning of the word "love", they confuse it with falling in love, and these are different things. Falling in love is more of a physiological state, and love is a state of mind. Falling in love is just a game of hormones.
What is true love? When a person begins to experience love, his previous pattern of behavior changes, the person begins to feel what the other person feels, and takes on all the pains and joys of that person. Love is suicide, it is the murder of your former self, your individuality. It's like connecting to another person's nervous system. Love is pain, it is suffering, it is a feat. Love is the sacrifice of one's own development for the development of another/others.
How to distinguish falling in love from love? Falling in love does not always turn into love, but it is often considered love. It came from sentimentality, from people who turned love into a kind of lisp, into red hearts and angels with arrows. Falling in love is actually just a physiological human need caused by a hormonal surge. It is known that when someone feels in love, oxytocin is produced in his body, and because of this he experiences a feeling of euphoria. Oxytocin is the hormone of a friendly attitude towards another person. Even when two brutal men are sitting drinking in the kitchen, and their conversation reaches the “do you respect me” stage, then at that moment oxytocin is produced, interacting with alcohol. That’s why conversations arise about respect, friendship, various hugs, fraternization, and so on. In the same way, two drunk guys and girls feel sympathy more often than sober ones - because alcohol stimulates the production of oxytocin, which causes sympathy, similar to falling in love.
A person is drawn to another person because more and more new needs for dopamine and oxytocin arise. But then in many cases it goes away. Falling in love is an animal attraction to a person of the opposite sex. Sexual attraction is also attributed to love when it is confused with falling in love, but you can experience absolutely no attraction to a person and still love him, because love is not determined by the degree of attraction. Some women say: “He doesn’t love me anymore, he left for someone else.” The fact is that he did not love her before, but only felt attraction.
I know from the experience of many girls who claimed that:
“Yes, I really love this man! We have true love, I know that for sure!”
But then some kind of force majeure happened in their relationship, and their former “true love” disappeared somewhere, and arguments and swearing came in its place. Is this true love? Over so many years of perversion, the term “love” has been turned into various kinds of lisping, pink hearts, angels, etc. The capitalist, bourgeois model of the social system has turned this term into a commodity, into something that can be sold or into something on which big profits can be made. Those. It turns out that the concepts of “love” and “being in love” have been replaced. If love is something high, then falling in love is and there is ordinary human feeling. Exactly the same as the feeling of hunger, drowsiness, the feeling when a person wants to go to the toilet, etc. This is a simple primitive feeling, a simple primitive instinct, and mass culture is largely built on this primitive feeling of falling in love, incorrectly calling it love. Modern culture, or rather pop culture, has degraded to such an extent that the mind is no longer enough for anything other than praising primitive, physiological human feelings and needs, because falling in love is simply a need.
But judge for yourself, just imagine, this is just ordinary physiological attraction, when one individual, having smelled the pheromones of another individual, begins to experience sexual attraction. It is sexual, because falling in love one way or another presupposes sexual intercourse in the future. Those. it is continuously connected with this and is only a stage in the development of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. It’s as simple as two and a half, but they’ve made such a huge commercial product out of it, they’ve already made so much money from it, they’ve made so many careers, they’ve made so many films and recorded music. If the author of a work wants to get easy money, he will definitely play on human feelings: he will write about falling in love, calling his works “songs about love”, “films about love”, “romance novels”.
Falling in love involves the secretion (release) of certain hormones. They say for example:
“If you really love me, you will go to the ends of the earth!”
And people are coming. There is nothing wrong with following a person to the “end of the world”, but the point is that people follow, led precisely by feeling. Because here we can really talk about a strong stage, but not love, but falling in love. Those. under the influence of a large production of hormones - natural drugs (endorphins, serotonin, dopamine), a person, intoxicated (literally) with them, goes to any lengths of madness for the sake of the object of his love. And when the object (partner) suddenly leaves such a person, then due to the lack of the usual dose of drugs (withdrawal), he is ready to take radical measures - even suicide. This happens, as a rule, during the puberty (teenage) period, when the hormonal surge is already very large, and stimulation also occurs due to this dangerous feeling.
It follows that true love has nothing to do with the sexual feeling of attraction of one person to another, while love is not a feeling at all.
Here's another example. Imagine this situation: A child grows up in a family, and the family also has a dog. They love to play with each other, run, etc. But one day, for some reason, the child had to leave this place for about 10 years. But when he returned as a changed, older person, the dog, seeing him, immediately rushed to him. And the man experienced the same joyful feelings for her. This is love, what do you think? No! And this is not love, this is also just instinct! Once upon a time they felt good together, they played, laughed, they produced pleasure hormones (endorphins), and their memory retained this hormonal surge. But now the story continues. One day, when they were playing together, bad people approached the child and tried to kill him with a knife, but the dog saw this and rushed to his aid, jumped, shielded him with herself and soon died. Those. she sacrificed her life for hers. And this is really love!
Love is the ability to sacrifice the most precious thing you have for the sake of someone else. And the most precious thing is life. You can sincerely hate another person, but in a difficult situation you sacrifice yourself for him - this is love. And everything else is lisp and “pink snot”. And no more. All this baby talk is worthless, while love is strength, power, is a manifestation of a person’s will and determination. This, if you like, is more like a character trait than a feeling.
There are also divisions between maternal love, friendly love, the love of a man and a woman. But in fact, there is no separation at all - it’s all one and the same, because love has no material, physiological source, love has a different nature - it’s a spiritual feeling, it’s not even a feeling, but some kind of spiritual component, some kind of immaterial a form that overwhelms a person. Love is a humanitarian term. Simply put, love is not something that modern people are used to thinking: “Oh, what I feel inside myself!” - this is not that, - this is not love, but some kind of instincts, and instincts are material. Love is a definition not of a person’s internal state, but of his actions, his external manifestation. Any attempt to present love only as a feeling, i.e. something you feel is wrong.
To love means to wish a person the highest good, it is the ability to make the greatest sacrifices, the ability to give one’s life for a person. A person no longer lives by his own interests, but switches to the interests of another person and shares everything with him.
“Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” In. 15-13
About marriage
Love in marriage is not the quenching of lust and sexual desire - this is a purely humanitarian term, while lust is completely material and is explained by the production of certain hormones. Love in general is a purely humanitarian term that has nothing to do with attraction. In all nations at all times, marriages were concluded not at all out of love, but because the father of the groom and the father of the bride decided to unite their farms, their families, their homes, and capital. They gave their children away according to this principle. And it’s okay, somehow they lived and gave birth to children, and the families were strong.
Marriage- this is an official (i.e. recognized by the state or religious denomination) union between a man and a woman for the sake of procreation and joint housekeeping.
A marriage will be strong when it stands on a strong foundation. And if the foundation of a marriage is only the love of two people, their passion, lust and attraction to each other (and attraction tends to pass, disappear!) - then the marriage is destroyed. This is evidenced by the sad statistics of divorces, about 60-70% .
The basis of a successful marriage, its foundation should be two points: A) children, b) farming. The second point is quite logical: you must agree that running a household together is much easier than running a household alone. And the first point is the most important point, because when you get married, its purpose is to give birth and raise children, i.e. in the production of new members of society. Therefore, you need to give all of yourself to the children, and the entire marriage should exist precisely for the sake of the children. This has always been the case, at all times, in all nations, in all regions of our Planet.
But now the institution of marriage has been perverted and turned into something else. Marriage today is a union between two lovers, created solely based on their feelings, needs, attraction, lust. This is something that is easy to conclude and easy to dissolve; even in the legislation, more and more new changes are being applied to facilitate the procedure for concluding and dissolving a marriage. If you wanted, you got married, if you wanted, you got divorced. Now even witnesses are no longer needed. Therefore, this “modern marriage” cannot be called a marriage.
I'll tell you this: love is a sacrifice. If you sacrifice, you love, the more you sacrifice, the more you love. If you don't sacrifice anything, but only receive, you don't love. That is, “give, give, give” is not love, “na, na, na” is love. If you take, take and want to take more - this is passion. Insatiable passion. And if you give and are ready to continue giving, this is love. This is a very simple definition. Love is measured by sacrifice. You can sacrifice money, time, health, nerves, psyche, a finger, a second finger, a third finger, a hand, a hand to the elbow, a hand to the shoulder, a leg, another leg, a head, a heart - this is love... You sacrifice - love, not sacrificing is not love. This is how you check your family relationships. - Archpriest Andrey Tkachev
Love in marriage- this is not love and attraction at all, love in marriage - this is a victim. This is the ability to sacrifice oneself, one’s personal space, time, a piece of one’s individuality for the sake of children and spouse. Therefore, I would even rename the term “Lovers” to “Lovers”, i.e. those who are in love and give free rein to their desire are engaged in “falling in love”, but not love. By the way, “marital duty” is not called duty for nothing, because the spouse is simply obliged to do “this”, is obliged to perform this sacrament. Gruzdev called himself get in the body! Called yourself husband/wife - fulfill your duty, bear offspring, create new members of society. Well, if these are lovers, then what duty do they have? This is exactly what they want, this is not a duty, but a direct following of their instincts and needs. Whereas the fulfillment of duty does not always happen at will and is often even done reluctantly. That’s why it’s a duty, whatever you want or not, you have to do!
True love is like slavery
Yes exactly! Does this phrase cause some kind of indignation and discomfort, insult and discontent in you? Or maybe because it’s about you? After all, as is customary among many, a husband (or wife) is almost property for spouses and is needed in order to fulfill any of their requests and instructions. But true love, i.e. the one that is not falling in love is slavery, and the slavery is mutual. And when slavery is mutual, i.e. Both the one and the other spouse are equally slaves for each other, then there is no one who will exploit. This is not slavery when there is a slave and an owner - this is voluntary, mutual slavery. And that's exactly the point. When one of the spouses ceases to be a slave himself and begins to only demand, then he becomes the master - and there is no more love.
Therefore, the essence of marriage for love is precisely self-sacrifice; love is a sacrifice. Just as a slave in ancient Egypt sacrificed himself to his master, so does a man who loves sacrifice himself. The only difference is that this slavery and sacrifice are voluntary, and therefore it is not slavery at all, in the classical sense of this concept.
However, many people are so stuck in their egoism that such a formulation may seem wild to them: “How is it so: I am and will be a slave!?” Spouses perceive each other as private property, as slaves, but at the same time they do not want to be such themselves. Due to the different role behavior of husband and wife, slavery manifests itself in different ways. The wife is distinguished by meekness, the husband - by protection and support. That's why I say that love is akin to slavery, but not the same.
"I love you!" - what necessary and expected words, especially when they are heard for the first time. Any woman, hearing them, instantly becomes happy and doesn’t even think: isn’t this a lie?! Or maybe it's just a rush of feelings? It seems like the job is done - said and swept away: this man is already mine.
But what is true love? To put it briefly, these are selfless actions for the sake of a loved one, sometimes supported by words. Does it last a lifetime? Of course, if a truly loved one does not trample this feeling into the dirt: with self-interest, deception and betrayal.
What are the actions of true love?
Have you watched the English film “Love Actually”? If not, then it would be worth it, because he makes it clear in what and in what actions true love can be recognized, and what sacrifices sometimes have to be made.
Ten storylines about true love, and here are some of the brightest:
The Prime Minister is in love with a secretary from a poor area. It seems like he needs to solve the world’s problems, but here his feelings are overflowing, especially for a simpleton. But in the end, the whole country will know that the prime minister also has a burning heart, despite his career.
Juliet and Peter, who are married, have a friend, Mark. Juliet always resented Mark for his irritable coldness towards her and thought that he hated her. But in the end she learned that his sullenness was his passionate love for her. Mark promised to love her all his life, but he himself remains lonely.
The writer and his maid have a language barrier. But the attraction to each other is very great and without further ado. A forced short-term separation pushes the writer to take a crash course in Portuguese and the desire to propose to her. It is not surprising that during this time the maid herself mastered English for his sake.
John and Judy are stand-ins for sex scenes, and very explicit ones at that. It would seem that it would be easier to have sex for real, because that’s almost what they were doing. But they are seriously in love, and even timidly try to at least make friends. The first romantic kiss and invitation to a date seem touchingly ridiculous.
Widower Daniel is having a hard time with his wife's departure to another world. But for her sake, he does not abandon his stepson and raises him as his own. Any boy's wishes come true almost every second. Daniel even helps his stepson win the love of his classmate.
Like this: simple life situations, but how much meaning there is in them, proving that true love really exists. You can sacrifice your career, hide your love behind timidity, do incredible things, give up on your personal life, and all just to make your loved one happy. Even if he is already in heaven.
When are the signs of true love shown?
Is it possible to fall in love at first sight? Almost, but this is still love. You can read about it and its development in the article.
It doesn't take long to truly fall in love. Nature itself gives time even for a mother to love her child. Long 9 months of “blind” addiction and postpartum depression are given by nature for a reason. And only in rare women does that same maternal instinct not work.
It’s the same in love between a man and a woman - you have to “endure” it in order to understand: this feeling is forever. Yes, you will have to sacrifice something, step on the throat of your own ego, and get used to the habits and shortcomings of your beloved.
But these are not terrible sacrifices, sometimes they are even for the benefit of the lover himself. A person learns a lot, changes himself somewhere, becomes wiser. But for this “good”, mutual love is needed, so as not to break your heart.
There is, of course, no specific time when this true love matures. You will understand this yourself when you show signs of “maturing”:
- your own self takes second place;
- I want to give more than to take;
- your help to your beloved man becomes an “ambulance”;
- It’s hard to part with him even for a day.
That's it, you got it. If your lover also has all these signs, then you can be congratulated - you are a happy couple.
Is true love always mutual?
Unfortunately no. If we return to the film “Love Actually”, to the plot about Mark and Juliet, we can understand that Mark’s sacrifice, although voluntary, is painful. There are people who were not lucky enough to fall in love with an unfree person, and even with coldness on his part.
But they are somehow happy in their own way in their suffering. They just need to see their loved one occasionally, know that he is doing well, help him in difficult times, and even then not reveal his feelings. They are selfless - and this is their love.
Such passion can last a lifetime. Well, that’s why they are monogamous. It’s worse when the beloved feels this passion and uses it with all his might, as if he were a “best friend” - selfishly and shamelessly.
But to such impudent people everything usually comes back like a boomerang. A greedy hysterical woman takes every penny from her loving husband during a divorce, and in her old age she uses the services of a gigolo. It is he, in turn, who takes everything from her. Serves her right!
But if you yourself suffer from unrequited feelings, then you should read the article. It's time to arrange your personal life.
What true mutual love does not tolerate
Almost every couple has minor quarrels due to misunderstandings. In principle, this is normal: logic and thinking differ between people of different genders. But quarrels are still a slight shake-up of emotions; they have nothing in common with love.
It’s another matter when there are dirty “qualities” in a relationship that kill love:
Selfishness. All these arranged marriages, beautiful words for the sake of sex, flirting for profit - this has nothing to do with deep feelings. Even if a person thinks that somewhere in his soul there is something similar to love, this is a delusion.
Treason. A truly lover will never allow even the thought of adultery. He does not compare his most important person in his life with other candidates for bed. On the contrary, over time he becomes “untouchable” - even harmless kisses and hugs with other people become unpleasant for him.
Indifference. In life, everything happens: accidents, illnesses, litigation, poverty and other troubles. A true lover will never leave his loved one in trouble, even at the cost of his life, if he has to sacrifice that too.
Insults. This applies to altercations when words fall below the plinth. All these “smelly goat”, “stupid fool”, “cross-eyed freak” and so on. I wouldn't say swear words. But it’s even worse when all this rubbish is taken out of the hut and crumbled among relatives and friends.
And love does not tolerate separation. Lovers do not need freedom from each other; they cannot “get enough” of communication or even just being around and playing the game of silence. The smell, voice, touch of a loved one - they need all this like air.
Does true love pass
For monogamous people - never. Even if they start a new family, they will still think about the object of their adoration. Unfortunately, in this situation, everyone is unhappy - both the monogamous man himself and his new chosen one. And if there are children in such a family, then perhaps they are not so desirable.
But in other cases, if a loved one nevertheless poisoned feelings with his dirty qualities, love may pass. But this is for the better?! Why tolerate next to you something that is not originally yours?
It got better, it went away, and that’s it! One can only sum up this novel in the words of S. Ya. Marshka:
Don't spoil the blood
Trying in vain
Bring back the past againS.Ya. Marshak, "The Tale of Stupidity"