Why do they arise and continue? conflicts between parents and adult children; what are the true reasons for confrontation and confrontation between loved ones and dearest people; What needs to be done to solve these and other questions, we will try to answer in this article.

Causes of conflict between parents and adult children

The problem of fathers and sons is eternal, but in modern society it can be solved by understanding and realizing causes of conflict between parents and adult children, and learning how to conduct constructive dialogue to build relationships.

In order to understand and realize the causes of conflict situations in relationships between parents and adult children, we need to go back in time and look at how parent-child relationships were built; what mistakes were made in raising a child when programming the life scenario, the future of a son or daughter; what styles of family education were used; whether punishments and rewards for children were correctly applied by parents, and most importantly: did parents love their child, or did they just feel sorry for him, treating him as a helpless victim, because of which, already with early age, a psychological game could have formed based on the Karpman triangle, which, perhaps, continues to this day, already in relationships between parents and adult children, leading to constant conflicts, confrontations and confrontations.

After this, you can establish good, conflict-free relationships between parents and adult children.

Who is to blame for the conflict between parents and adult children?

In any oppositions and confrontations, including conflicts between parents and adult children, each side tries to blame their opponent for the relationship problem: the parent blames the grown-up child for lack of love and disrespect; adult children blame their parents for everything...the situation is dead-end, often repeated and does not lead to anything good.

First of all, each of the participants in a dispute or conflict, including those who are wise (as it seems to them) with life experience, parents who are impeccable and unerring in their views and judgments, and adult children with their modern views on life and the world as a whole, need to look for the source of the problem in relationships in oneself, and not in the opposing, conflicting party.

Parents need to understand that adult children, son or daughter, are independent and unique individuals who should not live and act in accordance with their parents' desires, expectations and needs.

Adult children, of course, should respect and honor their parents, but should not expect them to understand modern views, life values and priorities...each generation, and indeed, each person, has its own worldview and understanding of themselves, other people and the world as a whole.

Both parents and adult children, understanding and feeling not only themselves, their desires and needs, but also another person, no matter whether he is a biological parent or a child, excluding any hint of egocentrism and youthful maximalism, will be able to achieve instead of empty, destructive competition in interpersonal relationships, constructive dialogue and cooperation, mutual understanding and mutual assistance.

It is necessary to destroy, along with the negative game, the stereotype of constant conflicts, confrontations and problems in the relationship between parents and children, the "Fathers and Sons" stereotype.

To begin with, you can understand the rules of behavior in conflict situations, including conflicts between children and parents.

How to solve parent-child relationship problems

To solve parent-child relationship problems, allow conflict situation and establish good relations based on cooperation and constructive interaction, you need to assemble a “family council” (“round table”) and begin an adult, business-like and constructive dialogue on equal positions.

Those. Parents need to “turn off” their mentoring, mentoring, over-caring and protective attitude towards their adult children. And the last thing is to stop treating parents as outdated ancestors who do not understand anything about modernity, with biased views on life.

Of course, at first, in establishing relationships and conducting a constructive dialogue, you may need the help of a psychologist or other intermediary authoritative for both parties.

However, if the round table participants have rather mature personalities, then they may try to come to common denominator and cooperation in relationships between adult children and parents without an intermediary.

The main thing is that: both parents and adult children have a desire for close, friendly and respectful relationships with each other; to live not in conflict and competition, but in cooperation and helping each other.

Your interpersonal, conflict-free relationships are in your hands...

HOW TO AVOID CONFLICT WITH PARENTS?

You gain experience and shape your behavior as adults. This is not always realized by parents who protect and control you and still consider you children. Then you begin to show resistance to previously fulfilled demands, more actively defend your rights to independence, react painfully to real or apparent infringements of your rights, and try to limit the claims of adults in relation to yourself.

In turn, faced with manifestations of laziness, dishonesty, and low motivation to continue education, parents become disappointed, and a “streak of conflicts” begins. Conflict also arises due to the assertion of your “adultness”: you begin to stay late, dress differently, and often become rude. To master a new system of relationships, understanding and patience on both sides is important. Thus, identifying problems associated with emerging conflicts is very significant for both parents and you.

Reasons that encourage parents to enter into conflicts with children	causes of conflict between teenagers and parents
The struggle for power and parental authority	Opposition to this government
Disconfirmation of hopes and expectations	Requirement for independence
Reluctance to acknowledge your independence and “adulthood”	Low academic performance
Lack of faith in your strength	Establishing oneself in the eyes of peers and authoritative people
Frequent quarrels between parents	A son or daughter supports one of the parents.

Some psychologists are inclined to believe that anger, which is a motivator of conflicts, needs to be “released” and expressed to each other in verbal form. They argue that from a physiological point of view it is harmful to suppress, to try to hold back any strong feeling or experience. If a person pushes a feeling of anger deep down, it may be unsafe for the human psyche. However (and this is even said in one of the biblical commandments) there is no need to rush into its manifestation.

We offer ways to suppress anger and emerging aggression:

· Explain the nature and reasons for your negative emotions to a third party who is known for his ability to understand other people, that is, someone who could give you advice and correct your actions.

· Treat the person who has irritated you with their behavior with understanding. Try to put yourself in his place and feel his experiences.

· Try to understand the motive behind the person's behavior.

· It's difficult, but try responding with kindness to someone's hostility.

Conflict can have both creative and destructive force. If the conflict is resolved incorrectly, hostility towards each other arises, the psyche is traumatized, the merits of its participants are hushed up and the shortcomings of its participants are exaggerated. As a result, conflict can cause serious mental trauma. It can stay with a person for the rest of his life and even change it for the worse.

Be careful not to hurt with words, to humiliate, to offend, or not to understand. Be courageous and wiser. Be able to put yourself in the shoes of your parents and understand what they are going through now, during the conflict with you. Great importance For normal conflict resolution, your ability to listen to them carefully is essential.

TECHNIQUES FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING IN CONFLICT

· Give parents a chance to speak.

· Focus on what they are saying, do not interfere with their speech with your comments.

· Don't get distracted, conquer what prevents you from focusing.

· Show your parents that you understand them.

· try to work with them to determine what needs to be done. It is better if these are “step-by-step” actions (firstly, secondly, etc.).

We have seen that your conflicts with your parents may have reasons, many of which are predictable. For example, you know for sure that you will upset your parents if you arrive late. But there is nothing easier than calling. So do it! Pay attention to your manner of communication. Maybe we should work on it so that it does not become a reason for parental anger or irritation. Conflict also arises when the demand placed on you is unfair or impossible to meet. So try to come to an agreement! Do you think that in life everyone will do nothing but agree with you and assent?

We are confident that your love for your parents and the new knowledge that you received today on conflict resolution will be enough to resist the temptation to be rude, quarrel, or slam the door.

Let's consider in this article conflicts between parents and children– how and why they arise and how they can be resolved. Conflict situations await us at almost every step, and in some cases it ends in an open dispute, in others - in unspoken and hidden resentment, and sometimes even in a real “battle”.

Causes of conflicts between parents and children

Let's take one of typical examples reasons for the conflict between parents and children (is it familiar to you?): the family sits down in front of the TV in the evening, but everyone wants to watch their own thing. For example, the son is an avid fan, and he expects to watch the broadcast of a football match. Mom is in the mood for the next episode of a foreign film. An argument flares up: mom can’t miss the episode, she “has been waiting for it all day”; The son just can’t refuse the match: he “has been waiting for it even longer!”

What creates a conflict situation and leads to “heated passions”? Obviously, the point is a clash of interests between the parent and the child, which gives rise to conflict. Note that in such cases, satisfying the desires of one party means infringing on the interests of the other and causes strong negative feelings: irritation, resentment, anger. What to do in such cases?

Unconstructive conflict resolution

The famous psychologist Yu. B. Gippenreiter combines two well-known non-constructive methods of conflict resolution under the name “Only One Wins.”

The first non-constructive way to resolve conflict between parents and children can be called “Only the parent wins”: Parents who are inclined to use the first method believe that it is necessary to defeat the child, to break his resistance. If you give him free rein, he will “sit on your neck”, “will do what he wants.”

Without noticing it themselves, they show children a dubious example of behavior: “always achieve what you want, regardless of the desires of others.” And children are very sensitive to the manners of their parents, and from early childhood they imitate them. So in families where authoritarian, forceful methods are used, children quickly learn to do the same. It is as if they are returning to the adults the lesson they were taught, and then “the scythe lands on the stone.”

There is another version of this method: gently but persistently demand that the child fulfill his desire. This is often accompanied by explanations that the child eventually agrees with. However, if such pressure is a constant tactic of parents, with the help of which they always achieve their goal, then the child learns another rule: “My personal interests (desires, needs) do not count, I still have to do what my parents want or demand.”

In some families this continues for years, and the children are constantly defeated. As a rule, they grow up either aggressive or overly passive. But in both cases, they accumulate anger and resentment; their relationship with their parents cannot be called close and trusting.

The second unconstructive way to resolve conflict between parents and children- “Only the child wins”: This path is followed by parents who are either afraid of conflicts (“peace at any cost”), or are ready to constantly sacrifice themselves “for the good of the child,” or both. In these cases, children grow up as egoists, not accustomed to order, and unable to organize themselves.

All this may not be so noticeable within the limits of family “general compliance,” but as soon as they leave the doors of the house and join in some common cause, they begin to experience great difficulties. At school, at work, in any company, no one wants to indulge them anymore.

In such a family, parents accumulate deep dissatisfaction with their own child and their fate. In old age, such “eternally compliant” adults often find themselves lonely and abandoned. And only then does insight come: they cannot forgive themselves for their softness and unrequited dedication.

A constructive way to resolve conflicts: “Both parties win: both parent and child”

The solution algorithm includes several steps:

• 1. Clarification of the conflict situation;
• 2. Collection of proposals;
• 3. Evaluation of proposals and selection of the most acceptable;
• 4. Details of the solution;
• 5. Implementation of the decision; examination.

The first step is to clarify the conflict situation: First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or doesn’t want, what he needs or is important, what makes it difficult for him, etc. He does this in the style of active listening, that is, he necessarily voices the child’s desire, need or difficulty. After that, he talks about his desire or problem using the "I message" form. For example: “You know, I was really looking forward to this program (instead of: “Don’t you know that I watch it every day?!”).

Let me note again that you need to start by listening to the child. Once he's convinced that you hear his problem, he'll be much more willing to hear yours and engage in finding a solution together. Often, as soon as the adult begins to actively listen to the child, the severity of the brewing conflict subsides.

The second step is collecting proposals: this stage begins with the question: “What should we do?”, “What should we come up with?”, or: “What should we do?” After this, you must wait, give the child the opportunity to be the first to offer a solution (or solutions), and only then offer his own options.

At the same time, not a single proposal, even the most inappropriate one from your point of view, is rejected out of hand. First, proposals are simply typed into the basket. If there are a lot of sentences, you can write them down on a piece of paper. When the collection of proposals is completed, the next step is taken.

The third step is to evaluate conflict resolution proposals and select the most acceptable one.: At this stage, joint discussion of proposals takes place. By this time, the “parties” already know each other’s interests, and the previous steps help create an atmosphere of mutual respect. When several parties are involved in a discussion, the most acceptable proposal is the one that suits all participants.

Step four - detailing decision taken : Suppose the family decided that their son is already old, and it’s time for him to get up on his own, have breakfast and go to school. This will free mom from early worries and give her the opportunity to get enough sleep. However, one solution is not enough. You need to teach your child how to use an alarm clock, show where what food is, how to heat up breakfast, etc.

Fifth step - execution, verification: Let’s take this example: the family decided to relieve the mother’s workload and divide household chores more evenly. Having gone through all the stages, we came to a certain decision. It would be good to write it down on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall (see step four).

Suppose the eldest son had the following responsibilities: taking out the trash, washing dishes in the evenings, buying bread and taking his younger brother to the garden. If the boy did not do all this regularly before, then at first there may be breakdowns.

You shouldn’t blame him for every failure. It's better to wait a few days. At a convenient moment, when he and you have time, and no one is annoyed, you can ask: “Well, how are things going with you? Is it working out?”

It is better if the child himself speaks about failures. There may be too many of them. Then it’s worth clarifying what, in his opinion, is the reason. Maybe something was left out, or some help is needed; or he would prefer another, “more responsible” assignment.

In conclusion, dear friends, it is worth noting that this method does not leave anyone with a feeling of failure and will resolve the conflict between parents and child as effectively as possible. He invites cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.